Life is so full of funny twists and turns. All you have to do is be open and go with the flow and an amazing adventure can unfold before your eyes. As most of you have noticed, I am in a bona fide “relationship” for the first time since my divorce 3 ½ years ago. I can’t tell you what a positive, fun, and genuinely good relationship this has been, so far. I have always believed that good things come to good people. I haven’t always had the proof to go with this belief but I somehow still clung to that ideal like a child clings to their security blanket. Christians call it the principle of reaping and sowing. Hindu’s call it Karma. I call it just plain fair. Life is so seldom fair, though.
This aspect of life really bugs me: The unfairness of it all. I am a lover of evenhandedness. I react badly to partiality, just like a child. I meticulously count out Christmas presents, turns in the front seat and brownies to make sure my kids each get the same amount. I guess it makes me revel in the beauty of justice even more when it actually happens in such an unfair world. Many, many things have been unfair in my life lately. Work has been an insane place to dwell. Corporate America has lost their ever loving minds. The goals set before most of us are un-reachable in this crazy economic atmosphere. They are talking about how production is up in America. That’s because those of us who have jobs go to extraordinary lengths and put up with just about anything to keep our jobs. They pile on incredible amounts of work to those who are still employed and all we can do is say, “Yes sir & Thank you, Ma’am.” It has been absolute war in the trenches to keep my job & succeed at it. It is always wise to keep an eye out for other opportunities, as well. So checking my options in the mean time has become a hobby of mine. What a relief to find that I actually have quite a few. A job is such a valuable thing right now. The prospect of being without one for even one month could be devastating. I feel this full weight on my shoulders as a single Mom.
You just never know, though, what will pop up out of the blue and rescue you from the most stressful situations. At the same time that this professional upheaval has started for the first time in my adult life, I have been flooded with new friends, renewed friendships, family, and more laughter than I have known in years. My life is once again absolutely rich with relationships. Although life seems exceedingly unfair at times, it does have this rhythm that almost has a balance to it. Whenever I feel like I am on the verge of panicking about whatever crisis may be approaching or whatever extra pressure is being added to my shoulders, I have to remind myself to just wait a bit. Breathe for a minute. Something may turn up. It usually does. This one lesson has helped me keep my sanity more than once.
So, I am going to breathe for a minute. See what turns up. Take this one step and then pause to take it all in. You just never know when something wonderful may be hidden inside all that stuff that causes pain. That’s the rhythm I am learning to keep time with in life and I am excited to see what the future holds.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
A jumble of extraordinary and excruciating: This is how I know I have lived.
Anyone who has known me for two minutes has seen the many facets of life that bombard me on a daily basis. I have had some excruciating moments in life. Too many, probably, but I have had moments straight out of my best dream, as well. My emotions can vacillate between giddy and terrified within days or even moments, sometimes. If I succeed, I do it big. If I fail, I do it on a grand scale.
Inside my humble life of working my fingers to the bone to make ends meet as a single mother with a stressful career, I sometimes lose myself. I forget that I was created to be extraordinary... by a maker who is nothing short of supernatural. Even when standing on the brink of disaster, I have been reminded of who I am. Sometimes it takes the small people in life to remind you of your importance. When my babies wrap those precious arms around me and tell me how much they love me, I know why I do everything that I do. But sometimes it takes the big people in life to remind you of who you are. I have mingled with some amazing people in my lifetime. To have all the earthly possessions you could ask for and to remain kind, gracious and serving at the same time is nothing short of extraordinary.
If I had the ability to peek inside these extraordinary lives both small and large, I feel certain I would find a struggling soul much like my own. It may be the excruciation of life that forms the extraordinary character necessary to live life fully. It would be too easy to just shut down and miss life altogether. A numb life would hurt much less. So many days I have wanted to give up. Somewhere deep in my soul there is always this nagging hope for the future that just won’t let me go, though. When you go through tragedy time and again, you know that it also comes to an end. You learn to hang on, weather the ride and look for the end of the line. Somehow that sunshine at the end of such a long hard rain seems warmer, brighter and more full of life than you ever remembered before.
I know we have all had a tough 2009. For some of us it has been excruciating. The thing I know about the future is that it can be brighter than we ever imagined. Having had so many dark moments in my own life, I know that the darkness is not the end... just a spring board of sorts. I believe the key to learning to live life fully is embracing it all and accepting the extraordinary excruciation it takes to live life to the fullest. So let’s do that. Let’s do it this year.
Inside my humble life of working my fingers to the bone to make ends meet as a single mother with a stressful career, I sometimes lose myself. I forget that I was created to be extraordinary... by a maker who is nothing short of supernatural. Even when standing on the brink of disaster, I have been reminded of who I am. Sometimes it takes the small people in life to remind you of your importance. When my babies wrap those precious arms around me and tell me how much they love me, I know why I do everything that I do. But sometimes it takes the big people in life to remind you of who you are. I have mingled with some amazing people in my lifetime. To have all the earthly possessions you could ask for and to remain kind, gracious and serving at the same time is nothing short of extraordinary.
If I had the ability to peek inside these extraordinary lives both small and large, I feel certain I would find a struggling soul much like my own. It may be the excruciation of life that forms the extraordinary character necessary to live life fully. It would be too easy to just shut down and miss life altogether. A numb life would hurt much less. So many days I have wanted to give up. Somewhere deep in my soul there is always this nagging hope for the future that just won’t let me go, though. When you go through tragedy time and again, you know that it also comes to an end. You learn to hang on, weather the ride and look for the end of the line. Somehow that sunshine at the end of such a long hard rain seems warmer, brighter and more full of life than you ever remembered before.
I know we have all had a tough 2009. For some of us it has been excruciating. The thing I know about the future is that it can be brighter than we ever imagined. Having had so many dark moments in my own life, I know that the darkness is not the end... just a spring board of sorts. I believe the key to learning to live life fully is embracing it all and accepting the extraordinary excruciation it takes to live life to the fullest. So let’s do that. Let’s do it this year.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
My Christmas Obsession
For whatever reason, I seem to be quite obsessed with Mary this Christmas. I know who the “Reason for the Season” is. Every church billboard heralds the reason, ad nausea. That He came to us at all… I cannot fathom it.
It is Mary, though, who has captured my heart this Christmas. I can see why our Catholic counterparts are so fond of her. She must have been 13 or 14 years old when the angel first came to her.
I remember her. I’ve loved a 13 year old girl who was pregnant, before. She was my client when I was a caseworker. She was scared and confused. She was so grown up but still such a child. So naïve and seemingly astute at the same time. In reality, she had not one clue what she had gotten into. She thought she did, though.
I suppose Mary was the same. She definitely had a child-like faith. But she had the tremendous courage of a woman of God. She had to be scared, there, in Bethlehem. And uncomfortable. I wonder if a midwife came to help her deliver Jesus. If not… then I am even more impressed with Joseph than before.
I was such a wimp during labor and delivery. Demerol and an epidural saved my marriage. I don’t want to even imagine months on a donkey before giving birth in the hay. Fourteen years old. Man.
I wonder, too, if all of their family went to Bethlehem for the census. Maybe her mother was with her. The Bible doesn’t talk about the mother of Mary. I sure do hope her mother was with her.
Just a few obsessive thoughts about Christmas.
It is Mary, though, who has captured my heart this Christmas. I can see why our Catholic counterparts are so fond of her. She must have been 13 or 14 years old when the angel first came to her.
I remember her. I’ve loved a 13 year old girl who was pregnant, before. She was my client when I was a caseworker. She was scared and confused. She was so grown up but still such a child. So naïve and seemingly astute at the same time. In reality, she had not one clue what she had gotten into. She thought she did, though.
I suppose Mary was the same. She definitely had a child-like faith. But she had the tremendous courage of a woman of God. She had to be scared, there, in Bethlehem. And uncomfortable. I wonder if a midwife came to help her deliver Jesus. If not… then I am even more impressed with Joseph than before.
I was such a wimp during labor and delivery. Demerol and an epidural saved my marriage. I don’t want to even imagine months on a donkey before giving birth in the hay. Fourteen years old. Man.
I wonder, too, if all of their family went to Bethlehem for the census. Maybe her mother was with her. The Bible doesn’t talk about the mother of Mary. I sure do hope her mother was with her.
Just a few obsessive thoughts about Christmas.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Windfalls of Being an Affirmation Whore
I recently wrote a blog about the pitfalls of being an affirmation whore. It started something like this for those of you who missed it:
"You see… I have called myself an affirmation whore for a very long time. I thrive on applause. I will work hard to get a “good job” from my bosses. I love & become a working girl for doing things right. My morals get on my own dang nerves sometimes! I love to make people laugh. I despise myself when I make them cry or when I piss them off. I like it when other people see and appreciate how hard I try, whether I succeed or not. Is that messed up? Why yes, Sherlock, that is!!! But it is a part of who I am, like it or not."
I went on to extol the detriments of my personality but later realized there are up-sides as well. See... I can be balanced sometimes. Being an affirmation addict is definitely a reciprocal relationship. I love affirming others. I enjoy inspiring people. Causing laughter is an another addiction of mine. Inducing giggles makes me happy. It means something deep and indescribable when I have communicated in a way that touches others. When that happens and I am affirmed in the process... that is what I call a win-win, my friends!
We all love accolades. Who doesn’t want to be told they are good at something? We don’t live for the moments when someone tells us we suck! I think some people are wired to be more social than others. I am an extrovert extraordinaire. Some of my best and closest friends are darn near anti-social anarchists! They make me laugh so hard, though. But most of my friendly friends are outgoing as well. We all weave this tapestry of relationships that makes life so full and beautiful.
So... you feel free to send this affirmation whore all the tricks you want. I’ll be sure to return the favor. Then we can all get our affirmation rocks off, right? And this is the season to do just that! Tis the season to get your affirmation rocks off. I have ruined it forever, huh?
"You see… I have called myself an affirmation whore for a very long time. I thrive on applause. I will work hard to get a “good job” from my bosses. I love & become a working girl for doing things right. My morals get on my own dang nerves sometimes! I love to make people laugh. I despise myself when I make them cry or when I piss them off. I like it when other people see and appreciate how hard I try, whether I succeed or not. Is that messed up? Why yes, Sherlock, that is!!! But it is a part of who I am, like it or not."
I went on to extol the detriments of my personality but later realized there are up-sides as well. See... I can be balanced sometimes. Being an affirmation addict is definitely a reciprocal relationship. I love affirming others. I enjoy inspiring people. Causing laughter is an another addiction of mine. Inducing giggles makes me happy. It means something deep and indescribable when I have communicated in a way that touches others. When that happens and I am affirmed in the process... that is what I call a win-win, my friends!
We all love accolades. Who doesn’t want to be told they are good at something? We don’t live for the moments when someone tells us we suck! I think some people are wired to be more social than others. I am an extrovert extraordinaire. Some of my best and closest friends are darn near anti-social anarchists! They make me laugh so hard, though. But most of my friendly friends are outgoing as well. We all weave this tapestry of relationships that makes life so full and beautiful.
So... you feel free to send this affirmation whore all the tricks you want. I’ll be sure to return the favor. Then we can all get our affirmation rocks off, right? And this is the season to do just that! Tis the season to get your affirmation rocks off. I have ruined it forever, huh?
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
My Plan for Christmas this Year
There is something about home that just heals me. I work hard to call this life my own. The more I work to call it mine, the more I realize how little control I have over any of it. Any one part of my life could spin out of control at any moment, with no effort from me at all, and it would change my landscape forever.
The 20th anniversary of my brother’s funeral is coming up in seven days. I remember the wrenching that replaced “normal life” with “out of control”. I remember the agony, the foolishness, the despair of it all. It seems so far away these days but you never forget. I remember Christmas with presents left under the tree with Claude’s name on them. It seemed disrespectful, somehow, to return them. I remember sitting around with family trying to smile as we opened all the other presents and feeling so hollow. At least he was relieved from living with that awful name for years to come. What was my Mom thinking? I remember us plotting to change his middle name to his familiar calling when he went to college, deciding that Michael was much friendlier than Claude. Unfortunate for our plan, he roomed with buddies from high school, so Claude could not be escaped. But Claude is who he was, to the core.
It is in life’s uncertain moments that you realize what is important. Since that day, I have never gotten off the phone with my parents without saying “I love you.” Apologies between remaining family members began to flow after losing one of our most colorful members. We had all appreciated him more than we ever said. We had to make sure that didn’t happen again. Claude was a swirl of vibrant colors with loud accents. When that is suddenly jerked away, each member has to search for their own colors and notes to strike. We had to figure out who we were without him. My grandmother never did. She died 8 months later from a broken heart, I believe. The fact that she was 88 might have had a little to do with it, admittedly. She grieved, unrelenting, for the rest of her life, though.
There are vivid memories of strength that linger with me from that time as well. These are moments when you realize that meek, submissive personalities are sometimes the backbones of the family. My mother may be one of the kindest, most supportive, giving, submissive & gentle women I have ever known. When I was young her submission to my Dad would infuriate me. When I watched my 6’2”, 250 lb Dad crumple into her arms under the weight of his grief, I realized my Mom had been his rock all along. She is the one who yanked a knot in my tail when I whined that I couldn’t bare to go to the funeral. Oh yes I would. And I did. And I am glad. My Mom had lost a husband just as suddenly and tragically in a plane crash years before she met my Dad, yet she was the one who guided all of us through this awful terrain with a grace that I have never forgotten. That is a strong woman, however submissive she may seem.
This Christmas is bittersweet. Reflecting back on all I have to be thankful for overwhelms me. Experiencing a loss so deep makes the breadth of devotion to what is in the now just so much stronger. All of our lives are so fragile, and precious, and beautiful. Our lives are difficult, and confusing, and sometimes frightening. But we have so much to be thankful for. There is so much life to be lived right now. We can’t miss it by worrying or plotting tomorrow. We just need to show up and soak in the amazing grace of life right here. That is my plan for Christmas this year.
The 20th anniversary of my brother’s funeral is coming up in seven days. I remember the wrenching that replaced “normal life” with “out of control”. I remember the agony, the foolishness, the despair of it all. It seems so far away these days but you never forget. I remember Christmas with presents left under the tree with Claude’s name on them. It seemed disrespectful, somehow, to return them. I remember sitting around with family trying to smile as we opened all the other presents and feeling so hollow. At least he was relieved from living with that awful name for years to come. What was my Mom thinking? I remember us plotting to change his middle name to his familiar calling when he went to college, deciding that Michael was much friendlier than Claude. Unfortunate for our plan, he roomed with buddies from high school, so Claude could not be escaped. But Claude is who he was, to the core.
It is in life’s uncertain moments that you realize what is important. Since that day, I have never gotten off the phone with my parents without saying “I love you.” Apologies between remaining family members began to flow after losing one of our most colorful members. We had all appreciated him more than we ever said. We had to make sure that didn’t happen again. Claude was a swirl of vibrant colors with loud accents. When that is suddenly jerked away, each member has to search for their own colors and notes to strike. We had to figure out who we were without him. My grandmother never did. She died 8 months later from a broken heart, I believe. The fact that she was 88 might have had a little to do with it, admittedly. She grieved, unrelenting, for the rest of her life, though.
There are vivid memories of strength that linger with me from that time as well. These are moments when you realize that meek, submissive personalities are sometimes the backbones of the family. My mother may be one of the kindest, most supportive, giving, submissive & gentle women I have ever known. When I was young her submission to my Dad would infuriate me. When I watched my 6’2”, 250 lb Dad crumple into her arms under the weight of his grief, I realized my Mom had been his rock all along. She is the one who yanked a knot in my tail when I whined that I couldn’t bare to go to the funeral. Oh yes I would. And I did. And I am glad. My Mom had lost a husband just as suddenly and tragically in a plane crash years before she met my Dad, yet she was the one who guided all of us through this awful terrain with a grace that I have never forgotten. That is a strong woman, however submissive she may seem.
This Christmas is bittersweet. Reflecting back on all I have to be thankful for overwhelms me. Experiencing a loss so deep makes the breadth of devotion to what is in the now just so much stronger. All of our lives are so fragile, and precious, and beautiful. Our lives are difficult, and confusing, and sometimes frightening. But we have so much to be thankful for. There is so much life to be lived right now. We can’t miss it by worrying or plotting tomorrow. We just need to show up and soak in the amazing grace of life right here. That is my plan for Christmas this year.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tender Moments
Clearly, this has been a moment in time when I would not willingly choose to walk in this space. It amazes me how I can be so tough and so extraordinarily tender at the same time. I can be so deep and serious and yet so silly and frivolous. Responsible yet irresponsible. I laugh when I should be serious. I am impatient when I should hold my peace. I can crack a joke at just about anything. I can piss almost anyone off given enough time. I am me, through and through, like it or not.
Why then am I blessed despite my faults? No rhyme or reason to the dang thing, honestly. This is grace, my friends. Grace supreme. That’s about it. Nothing I can claim as my own.
When I almost got fired for my smart ass impatience and deep seated frustration with every boss I have… it made me take stock. Perhaps I should settle the heck down. Yes? Yes! I somehow decided that all on my own (after I got a good chewing out). I came home and held my kids tight & thought about what life would be like if I lost my job. I take credit for my wrong doing… but my work place is insane right now. Many have lost their jobs or quit far before me. Dropping like flies they are. That just can’t be me. I would like to feed my kiddos, preferably.
So I talked to my kids and told them we needed to start living as if Mommy doesn’t have a job. Eating at home every night. I cannot pay them for their A’s on their report card anymore (but please still make them). We even devised a plan for Christmas that is money free. We are going to make coupon books for each other with things like “one free foot rub” and “one long candle-lit bubble bath compliments of Mom” written in them. (I tend to horde my hot tub, you see, so this will be a big treat for them!) Then we can choose when & where we will redeem the coupons. They were so excited about that plan. I am too.
My friend Sam said it best: my children are incredibly kind and loving. Either that is another total point of grace or I may be doing something right. I want so badly to be excellent in every area of life but just am not. I am ok in most areas... sometimes. I am the kind of person who would rather not do a thing… than to do it poorly. I choose to place parenting first. This means very little of my life is my own. This makes me feel very alone & isolated at times. This means that when my emotions have reached their limits I lose it at work instead of at home. If being a good parent means I must transfer into a position at work that has less stress & also pays less, then that is what I will do. I really enjoy my position… when my bosses don’t ride me like a friggin mule that is… so it sucks that I must give it up. It sucks that I must live in a place with few dating options so I can keep the kids close to their Dad & I can be close to my aging parents. It sucks that he is re-married and I still trudge on alone. Nothing is fair about life… but it still has its moments.
Yesterday, I worked all day, got supplies for my daughter’s project that was due the next day (and that I only found out about that morning - grrr), cooked them dinner, went to church to practice the song I will sing Sunday, first with the band & then again with the choir. I left the kids working on Morgan’s project together while I ran up to the church for practice. I finally got home around 8pm and they were so proud & excited to show me Morgan’s diorama. They did a great job. I do not know many siblings who get along like they do. Her 10 year old brother spent the entire time helping her. I got my jim jams on, poured my evening toddy, and was ready to flop in the bed when I found my sweet note on the pillow. There was a picture drawn on the front with me cooking their dinner while they worked on the project at the table. It declared itself to be a “Note of Appreciation” at the top. After I wrestled the sparkly twist tie off, it opened up to say “We really appreciate you and how much you have worked lately and we just want you to know that we care!” With a, “P.S. We love you” inside a heart with an arrow through it, my heart was full. It overflowed through my eyes and I knew I was loved. How many 10 & 13 year olds just think to do something like that on their own? I cannot feel sorry for myself when I look into their characters. I am blessed.
Somehow I was still depressed all day today. Depressed but loved. Depressed but thankful. Sad but blessed. I have learned to recognize spiraling when it begins. I know it is important to pay attention to why I feel the way I do but at the same time not to spiral down into an unreasonably sad place. That has been my basic goal today. Besides work, that is. And thus... I blog.
Right now life is a tender place both in good ways & bad. I will take them both because I am not sure I could fully appreciate one without the other. And… either way they will both still be a part of life… so I might as well make the best of it!
Why then am I blessed despite my faults? No rhyme or reason to the dang thing, honestly. This is grace, my friends. Grace supreme. That’s about it. Nothing I can claim as my own.
When I almost got fired for my smart ass impatience and deep seated frustration with every boss I have… it made me take stock. Perhaps I should settle the heck down. Yes? Yes! I somehow decided that all on my own (after I got a good chewing out). I came home and held my kids tight & thought about what life would be like if I lost my job. I take credit for my wrong doing… but my work place is insane right now. Many have lost their jobs or quit far before me. Dropping like flies they are. That just can’t be me. I would like to feed my kiddos, preferably.
So I talked to my kids and told them we needed to start living as if Mommy doesn’t have a job. Eating at home every night. I cannot pay them for their A’s on their report card anymore (but please still make them). We even devised a plan for Christmas that is money free. We are going to make coupon books for each other with things like “one free foot rub” and “one long candle-lit bubble bath compliments of Mom” written in them. (I tend to horde my hot tub, you see, so this will be a big treat for them!) Then we can choose when & where we will redeem the coupons. They were so excited about that plan. I am too.
My friend Sam said it best: my children are incredibly kind and loving. Either that is another total point of grace or I may be doing something right. I want so badly to be excellent in every area of life but just am not. I am ok in most areas... sometimes. I am the kind of person who would rather not do a thing… than to do it poorly. I choose to place parenting first. This means very little of my life is my own. This makes me feel very alone & isolated at times. This means that when my emotions have reached their limits I lose it at work instead of at home. If being a good parent means I must transfer into a position at work that has less stress & also pays less, then that is what I will do. I really enjoy my position… when my bosses don’t ride me like a friggin mule that is… so it sucks that I must give it up. It sucks that I must live in a place with few dating options so I can keep the kids close to their Dad & I can be close to my aging parents. It sucks that he is re-married and I still trudge on alone. Nothing is fair about life… but it still has its moments.
Yesterday, I worked all day, got supplies for my daughter’s project that was due the next day (and that I only found out about that morning - grrr), cooked them dinner, went to church to practice the song I will sing Sunday, first with the band & then again with the choir. I left the kids working on Morgan’s project together while I ran up to the church for practice. I finally got home around 8pm and they were so proud & excited to show me Morgan’s diorama. They did a great job. I do not know many siblings who get along like they do. Her 10 year old brother spent the entire time helping her. I got my jim jams on, poured my evening toddy, and was ready to flop in the bed when I found my sweet note on the pillow. There was a picture drawn on the front with me cooking their dinner while they worked on the project at the table. It declared itself to be a “Note of Appreciation” at the top. After I wrestled the sparkly twist tie off, it opened up to say “We really appreciate you and how much you have worked lately and we just want you to know that we care!” With a, “P.S. We love you” inside a heart with an arrow through it, my heart was full. It overflowed through my eyes and I knew I was loved. How many 10 & 13 year olds just think to do something like that on their own? I cannot feel sorry for myself when I look into their characters. I am blessed.
Somehow I was still depressed all day today. Depressed but loved. Depressed but thankful. Sad but blessed. I have learned to recognize spiraling when it begins. I know it is important to pay attention to why I feel the way I do but at the same time not to spiral down into an unreasonably sad place. That has been my basic goal today. Besides work, that is. And thus... I blog.
Right now life is a tender place both in good ways & bad. I will take them both because I am not sure I could fully appreciate one without the other. And… either way they will both still be a part of life… so I might as well make the best of it!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
A Life Unbalanced
I have known for some time that my life was getting out of hand. When I get up at 5am and then am up until Midnight 3 – 4 nights a week trying to finish my work, it is only a matter of time before something has to give. One person was never meant to do everything I am doing alone. I cannot get caught up in the unfairness of life or it would bury me. It would be true to say that life is royally unfair at times & quite harsh. It would also be true to say that I am not handling this pressure well and something has to give.
I was talking to a co-worker a few weeks ago about the pressure at work. She quit her job the very next week because it got to be too much. She had gotten so stressed out that she screamed at her daughter for the first time in her life. She decided it wasn’t worth it. She had a husband who supported her decision to quit & whose income could hold them until she found something else.
Feeling trapped is a tough place to be. I have no one to take up my slack if I fail. I have a lot of people to disappoint. I have loved my job for nearly 5 years. I have advanced quickly & been paid well. I have been well respected and sought after as a contributor to many projects. Then something changed. I am not sure if it was me or the economy or my company or a combination of all the above. But something changed. I have felt abused, disrespected & jerked around for the last 6 months. I am un-able to change the direction things are going. I am trapped. I am not the kind to come home & yell at my children. I snap at work instead, which is very detrimental to my working relationships… and my very livelihood. We all have our snapping points & I have evidently reached mine. If something doesn’t give, it may be sorted out for me… and to a potentially devastating end.
I am afraid.
I have been reminded this week of how important every action is. One irresponsible act can change your life indelibly. Time can repair some of the damage but it cannot change what has been done. For weeks, I have been prayerfully wondering if I could keep pace with the re-structuring that has happened at work. I have been wondering if I want to. Traveling overnight 2 – 3 days / week is just not functional for a single mother. The overwhelming tasks of attempting to be prepared for work & making sleeping arrangements for children, packing bags, delivering guitars & writing out after-school schedules for those helping me with the kids and then organizing myself to be effective at work while traveling… well it is just too much. I have known it for some time. But what to do? All I can do is keep trying. This is no economy to be looking at switching professions. I just bought this house I want to be “home” to my kids and I have plenty of bills & responsibilities to go with. I have never been a fearful person but I am afraid, almost frozen with fear at what could happen if I can’t handle this.
What I need to focus on right now are my options. There are always options. I need clarity on what those are and how to navigate them. I need to decide on a direction and walk that way confidently. I know we all have turning point moments in life. This is one for me & I must face it all alone. No one can make these decisions for me. So I will. I must. And I will walk on & thrive, despite it all. I'm just stubborn like that. ;)
I was talking to a co-worker a few weeks ago about the pressure at work. She quit her job the very next week because it got to be too much. She had gotten so stressed out that she screamed at her daughter for the first time in her life. She decided it wasn’t worth it. She had a husband who supported her decision to quit & whose income could hold them until she found something else.
Feeling trapped is a tough place to be. I have no one to take up my slack if I fail. I have a lot of people to disappoint. I have loved my job for nearly 5 years. I have advanced quickly & been paid well. I have been well respected and sought after as a contributor to many projects. Then something changed. I am not sure if it was me or the economy or my company or a combination of all the above. But something changed. I have felt abused, disrespected & jerked around for the last 6 months. I am un-able to change the direction things are going. I am trapped. I am not the kind to come home & yell at my children. I snap at work instead, which is very detrimental to my working relationships… and my very livelihood. We all have our snapping points & I have evidently reached mine. If something doesn’t give, it may be sorted out for me… and to a potentially devastating end.
I am afraid.
I have been reminded this week of how important every action is. One irresponsible act can change your life indelibly. Time can repair some of the damage but it cannot change what has been done. For weeks, I have been prayerfully wondering if I could keep pace with the re-structuring that has happened at work. I have been wondering if I want to. Traveling overnight 2 – 3 days / week is just not functional for a single mother. The overwhelming tasks of attempting to be prepared for work & making sleeping arrangements for children, packing bags, delivering guitars & writing out after-school schedules for those helping me with the kids and then organizing myself to be effective at work while traveling… well it is just too much. I have known it for some time. But what to do? All I can do is keep trying. This is no economy to be looking at switching professions. I just bought this house I want to be “home” to my kids and I have plenty of bills & responsibilities to go with. I have never been a fearful person but I am afraid, almost frozen with fear at what could happen if I can’t handle this.
What I need to focus on right now are my options. There are always options. I need clarity on what those are and how to navigate them. I need to decide on a direction and walk that way confidently. I know we all have turning point moments in life. This is one for me & I must face it all alone. No one can make these decisions for me. So I will. I must. And I will walk on & thrive, despite it all. I'm just stubborn like that. ;)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
