A Life Unbalanced

I have known for some time that my life was getting out of hand. When I get up at 5am and then am up until Midnight 3 – 4 nights a week trying to finish my work, it is only a matter of time before something has to give. One person was never meant to do everything I am doing alone. I cannot get caught up in the unfairness of life or it would bury me. It would be true to say that life is royally unfair at times & quite harsh. It would also be true to say that I am not handling this pressure well and something has to give.

I was talking to a co-worker a few weeks ago about the pressure at work. She quit her job the very next week because it got to be too much. She had gotten so stressed out that she screamed at her daughter for the first time in her life. She decided it wasn’t worth it. She had a husband who supported her decision to quit & whose income could hold them until she found something else.

Feeling trapped is a tough place to be. I have no one to take up my slack if I fail. I have a lot of people to disappoint. I have loved my job for nearly 5 years. I have advanced quickly & been paid well. I have been well respected and sought after as a contributor to many projects. Then something changed. I am not sure if it was me or the economy or my company or a combination of all the above. But something changed. I have felt abused, disrespected & jerked around for the last 6 months. I am un-able to change the direction things are going. I am trapped. I am not the kind to come home & yell at my children. I snap at work instead, which is very detrimental to my working relationships… and my very livelihood. We all have our snapping points & I have evidently reached mine. If something doesn’t give, it may be sorted out for me… and to a potentially devastating end.

I am afraid.

I have been reminded this week of how important every action is. One irresponsible act can change your life indelibly. Time can repair some of the damage but it cannot change what has been done. For weeks, I have been prayerfully wondering if I could keep pace with the re-structuring that has happened at work. I have been wondering if I want to. Traveling overnight 2 – 3 days / week is just not functional for a single mother. The overwhelming tasks of attempting to be prepared for work & making sleeping arrangements for children, packing bags, delivering guitars & writing out after-school schedules for those helping me with the kids and then organizing myself to be effective at work while traveling… well it is just too much. I have known it for some time. But what to do? All I can do is keep trying. This is no economy to be looking at switching professions. I just bought this house I want to be “home” to my kids and I have plenty of bills & responsibilities to go with. I have never been a fearful person but I am afraid, almost frozen with fear at what could happen if I can’t handle this.

What I need to focus on right now are my options. There are always options. I need clarity on what those are and how to navigate them. I need to decide on a direction and walk that way confidently. I know we all have turning point moments in life. This is one for me & I must face it all alone. No one can make these decisions for me. So I will. I must. And I will walk on & thrive, despite it all. I'm just stubborn like that. ;)