What I hate about...

I could name quite a few things I hate about being divorced. Having all the responsibility of parenthood to myself. Being lonely for adult companionship. I don't fit into the married world around me AT ALL. All of that sucks.

I think the thing I hate the most, though, is dating. I hate the nervousness. I hate the way it never seems to match up. It is either... I like them & they don't like me that much... or they like me & I don't like them. Grrr. What a royal pain. Not to mention the psychos & weirdos out there these days.

OH! And the "no sex" part of being single. Geesh. That's a bummer.

I don't regret the divorce. My sanity was a small price to pay for living with these proverbial thorns in my flesh. There was nothing easy about my life before divorce & there is nothing easy about it now. It is much better in some ways. More peaceful. More prosperous. Less drama. Less emotional distress. I need to make a T-shirt about life, though. It would read: NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT!

However, it is so hard not to hate men. I have always tried to be reasonable & not generalize any class of people. But the more I date, as a world wise adult female, the more I just think men in general are morons. Or at least the ones I have been out with. I may never re-marry. I can't tolerate even the slightest about of bull, anymore, or I am walking out the door. It's all just too much work. It exhausts me more than anything else in my life. Work exhausts me. My schedule exhausts me. But... there is something special about the exhaustion obtained in allowing myself to "hope" that something good is starting only to once again be disappointed. It is so, so draining.

Amid all of my angst, I do not know how to balance my desire to NOT be alone anymore with the reality that I may always be alone in this lifetime. I know God is with me. But according to my Bible He ain't putting on skin again. And there is nothing quite like the human touch. The feel of skin on skin. The warmth of a bear hug. The brush of a cheek from someone who makes your heart flutter. The love that can be sensed through holding someone's hand or even touching their arm.

It's magical and deceptive all at the same time. It's practical and sometimes so elusive. But this is where I am forced to walk. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere in relation to love. It is not mine to hold, yet. My chance may have passed. I've decided that I need to live my life as if I will never re-marry and then be pleasantly surprised if I actually do meet someone. But all it takes is one flirt & I am hoping away for something more in a sad & desperate kind of futility.

So I slap myself around for being idealistic once again & try to snap back to reality. There is laundry to do. Dishes to wash. Kids to raise. Work to do. Who has time for dating anyway... but wait... was he firting with me????

So the cycle goes.