Whatever did I do?

What have I done? I have committed to go on a working mission trip to some middle of no-where Baptist church & camp ground in New York that ministers mostly to people from a group home. Sorry for my political incorrectness... but I should fit in well with the tards. It was the love of my children that made me temporarily insane enough to say yes to this. I will go for 8 days and do some things I believe strongly in. I will do some things I am apathetic about. I will do some things I am fundamentally opposed to. All because I know my children need this. I need this. These things are fundamental building blocks of our Christian faith. Good, bad & ugly. I do not regret the decision. I am just gonna need to blog alot to get through it.

What have I done? I have never done anything so great as to deserve the children I have been given. I'm telling you... they are PRIME examples of grace abundant. We were going on vacation this weekend. We were gonna go see some AWESOME friends & go to a kangaroo reserve & a music festival with their favorite band playing. They saw the mission trip in the bulletin. They decided to forfeit this incredibly fun vacation to use their own money to pay for a mission trip. What kids do that? Sure, I encourage them to be good kids, but that is ALL God right there. I had to laugh tonight when the leader was explaining the devotional time & asking my kids to volunteer to lead one. Morgan asked, "What is a devotional?" OMG! No hiding my lack of training in that area. And later on Noah came in my bedroom & asked, "Do you have any extra Bibles?" I said, "No. Why baby?" He said, "Because me & Morgan need one for the trip." OMG! They don't have Bibles. But God's grace is right there... taking up my slack. I am so thankful that I cannot express it.

What have I done? My parents did so much more right than I have. They were so consistent. So faithful. So genuine. They've been married almost 47 years. But you know, thinking back I realize we never had "devotionals" either. Not much. We tried occasionally, which I have done too. But I always had a Bible. Gosh. Going tomorrow. I always had a quarter to give to the offering. I tithe so faithfully to this day that it must have stuck. It was their example. Their life. Their love. That is where I saw Christ. I hope my kids see that in me too, even though my life is much more "affected" by sin than their was.

Whatever did I do to be such a blessed woman in the middle of this crazy world? Work slammed me today. Life man-handled me. I was almost in tears when we came home from the missions meeting realizing we were leaving in three days and I still had at least an hour of work to do before bed. My kids were so excited about everything that they decided to pack all their clothes for the trip tonight & then wash, dry & fold all of the laundry to help me out. When I finished working I even soaked in my great big jacuzzi tub for the first time since we moved in. I cannot complain about how tiring, busy & overwhelming my life is when I am so blessed.

I never did anything to deserve this life. It's just God.

That's all I can say.

It's All About Personality

Growing up can be excruciating. Especially those early teen years. Kids can be so cruel. Kids must be so resilient. My daughter is not your typical 13 year old & I love that about her. We had some friends over last night and she was crawling around on the floor with the four year old pretending to be her cat. Alot of 13 year old girls these days are doing drugs and having sex. I cannot imagine it. Do not want to fathom the possibility.

By the time I was 13, I was dating a 17 year old. That really puts things into perspective for me. I dated him for a little over 2 years. At the ripe old age of 15 I was ending a very formative relationship in my life. I have to give him lots of credit too. He always acted very respectfully and never took advantage of my youthful ignorance. Not many 19 year olds have that presence of character. I was fortunate to have that relationship as a foundation for the future.

God gives us all very distinct personalities. Each has it's strengths and it's weaknesses. I have found the key to success in life is finding out A) what God has given you and B) learning to manage that wisely. My major was psychology in college. I had alot of personal stuff to wade through. I learned so much about myself and others while exploring the world inside our minds and emotions. This field of study is like any other. As my Dad says from a farmer's perspective, "You gotta chew up the hay & spit out the sticks."

The cruxt of my total reformation that has taken place over the past 4 years is, in many ways, all about personality. I had to take a Caliper test to get hired with my current company. It is basically a personality test as it applies to my work. It shows I have a strong ego drive, I am tenatious, I am boistrous, resilient and out-going. No big shockers there. Those same traits could also be listed as arrogant, stubborn, and loudmouthed if not managed properly. I have learned who I am & who I am not over the past four years. I have a hot temper but I have remorse when I lose it. I learn from my mistakes and move forward rather than continually repeating them. I am getting healthier by the minute on this journey into the new me.

So I encourage you to exlpore your personality. Most likely at first you will not like certain aspects of what you find out, possibly even thinking the assessment must be incorrect. But as it sinks in and you accept what God has given you, you can also learn to manage those things wisely. Here is one I found helpful: http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp

Happy hunting!

Ebb and Flow

I have begun to realize that life has it's own syncopation. Sometimes it moves in slow motion & other times at lightning speed. Intermittently. Sometimes it feels random but always has this hidden rhythm all it's own. Sometimes it is grinding and loud and painful. Other times it flits along like a flute trilling. The melody of life is amazing if we listen closely.

I am learning more and more to just go with what life puts in front of me. It is there for a reason. I used to try to grab hold of the thing and wrestling it into what I thought it should look like. Sometimes I would pull back because I thought things were moving too fast. Other times I would try to speed things along because I was certain I knew the correct timing best.

Fear and arrogance have a strangely close relationship in this process of trying to control life. Fear causes us to pull away from what clearly was put in our lives for a reason. Arrogance causes us to feel we are the all knowing eye that understands when things are appropriate, never realizing how in-appropriate we are being in the process. The older I get the more I realize how little I know. I also have learned to just simply trust what is happening. None of this is in my control. I trust the One who is.

What I can control is my intentional actions. When I see that a friend or opportunity has been placed in my life, I can seize the opportunity. I can run with it. The more I run with what life drops in my lap the more joy I have found in the journey. All these random opportunities to have fun, laugh at things, be a successful business woman, raise great kids and build a beautiful life just flow when I stop trying to contort life into my own origami. It is beautiful as it comes.

Random thoughts...

When sitting at a beach front Jazz Concert, on the fly, I love to watch people. Which leads to random streams of thought. Like:

Some people have a happy place and go there well. And often. Despite wearing coral earrings, a pea green shirt, aqua shorts with black leggings under neath and hot pink flip flops. Or maybe because of...

I love the smile on people's faces when they dance... even if they look goofy.

Chiseled muscles under really, really dark black skin looks like marble. Very beautiful.

The girl holding her 3 year old son and wearing white shorts needs to go up two sizes. And she needs to NOT hold her cigarette in the same hand as her son. Jerk.

Jazz musicians have so much fun. There is nothing like watching their faces while they play music they love.

Drunk people in lawn chairs are funny.

If I had someone here with me I would totally be cutting a rug, too. Even if I looked goofy.

I wonder what makes people randomly rush to dance, all at the same time. But I love it when they do.

Watching the sunset on the beach while listening to Jazz and watching these funny, weird, wonderful people was a blessing. So I better go home before it gets too late.

I have so much to be thankful for. When you have so much, you have so much to lose... so I always err on the side of caution and never stay out late at night by myself when traveling alone. I do not take any of this for granted. I have so much to share with that someone special who will enter my life one day. I am so enjoying my life until then.

I am watching the sun rise, now, from my balcony. There is a long and hot work week ahead. I can face it without fear because when push comes to shove I can always don coral earrings, a pea green shirt, aqua shorts with black leggings under neath and hot pink flip flops and go to my happy place.

Or... maybe just remember the lady who could... and smile.

Not a loss, just a lesson

When talking to a friend of mine last night about a certain situation, she said to me "This wasn't a loss, Alicia, this was just a lesson." I like that alot. I was thinking about how blessed I am this morning. I have had quite a few "lessons" in my life. That pain produces something beautiful though. I am trusting that all of this will lead to wisdom & compassion & understanding. Feeling pain and disappointment gives great depth to the soul. No more time for shallow aspirations. We learn the importance of deep relationships built on devotion, loyalty & brutal honesty. You learn to take it just like you dish it, which most people can't do. Everyone loves to dish it out... but get offended when it is dished right back. If you're gonna dish it, you need to be able to take it & just move right along.

So what "lessons" have I learned?

1. Life goes on. Always.
2. There are alot of genuinely good people in the world.
3. God is faithful even when I am not.
4. This makes me want to be the most faithful person I can be to others & to Him.
5. Encouragement is all around us if we look for it.
6. What people think of me is insignificant if I know who I am.
7. Hard work pays off.
8. Children are a blessing from God.
9. I know what I know, and can trust my judgment.
10. Having relationships with genuinely good people adds a richness to my life like nothing else.

That's just a few. I am getting ready to move my entire household this weekend. As a single Mom in a town I have lived in for just one year, you would think this would be daunting. But I have almost 8 - 9 men who have volunteered their Saturday to help. Alot of them are from my church and my parent's church. Church to me has never been about the pews and the steeple. It's these people. These people who give of themselves. I have learned the valuable lesson that PEOPLE are most important to me.

So in case I haven't said it enough: I am thankful for you!

Oh me, oh my... such a silly girl

I am such a silly girl with some silly aspirations. Big or small, I never cease to amaze myself. But I have a friend who over-commits herself quite often (that's you Michelle) and I think she is darn cool, so I am gonna forgive myself & believe I can actually accomplish everything on my plate.

So what has inspired this self realization of silliness??? My orange and yellow and mint-ish puke green kitchen. My kitchen in the house I just bought was this most uncomfortable color of green. It was in between mint and puke green somewhere. I decided it had to go. So I marched into Lowe's this morning buying random rollers, edgers, drops clothes & such. I could tell the paint guy was suspicious that I was a silly girl as I stretched my arms wide & gestured to give example of how big things were while asking "How much paint do you think I will need for that??"

He graciously provided me with the paint he thought appropriate.

So, after work & a disappointing baseball championship, I set to work. I taped and trimmed and spilled and cleaned up until nearly midnight. I have to say the "earthen" colors I chose looked much more, um, earthy on the pamphlet. Perhaps they will dry darker. Right now I have a pumpkin below the chair rail and a field of maize above. And lots of puk-ish mint green all around. I stood back and looked at my handy-work and decided I was doomed.

You see, I am a woman who does not know her limits. Sometimes this serves me well, and other times it destines me for misery. I think I can do everything... until I realize I can't. And then I ask for help. :D

So that's all. Just a silly blog about what a silly girl I have been.

A glorified trash lady

Well, today I sang one of the songs I wrote many moons ago... for the first time in almost 4 years. If I were really honest, I would admit it was pretty traumatic for me. So... I guess I just did. :)

I can remember the day my ex asked me to give up on what I felt was my calling. We were standing in the kitchen and I had been offered a position as a trash can sales person. It was much more money. I remember saying, "Now, why would I do this?" His reply was, "Well, for the family. To provide for the family." So I did. I walked away from radio. Music. Ministry. Everything. To sell trash cans. I remember my first day at work, training, and riding on a trash truck. I had gone from a small town personality with a growing following to being a sanitation worker. I went to the dump 3 times that day. Nothing quite like that smell. I drank myself to sleep that night and began to spiral.

I remember waking up the next day and saying to God, "I can't do this anymore." I didn't mean working in trash. I meant my marriage. I began to realize that I was willing to do this for my children, but not for him. There had been many, many troubled spots in our married life but this was one of many final straws. Many other areas of his life were spiraling too, but I could not bear it all. I felt like I was going to break. I began begging God to let me out. I pleaded for him to release me from these years of agony. Please have grace on me, God. Please. I begged for weeks as I began to learn how to sell trash service. Finally I heard His voice. He said to me, "Babe, it's the same grace. My grace held you when you struggled to stay in this marriage. It's the same grace that will hold you no matter where you are." It was no glowing affirmation of my deep spirituality, but it was enough. I knew God would not leave me, even if I left my husband. So I did. Grace began to take on new meaning in my life.

Is it fair that God won't leave me even when I chose to do exactly that? No. I chose mercy over justice. I was freely given mercy instead of justice. Did I know, at the same time, that God had seen my years of pain, betrayal, and dire effort to make it all OK and to stay married? Of course I did. I trusted Him with all of it.

But singing that song today caused me to grieve a little. It reminded me of what I walked away from. I was so passionate about music & radio. I loved doing my Sunday morning show. It made me wonder where I could have been today if I had not walked away. But I did.

Life is so complicated. There are parts that are so beautiful I can hardly stand it and then parts that are so vile I can't bear to imagine. The truths I have learned over the past 4 years are in-valuable. The depth with which I know Him can't compare to what I knew before. But I still look around sometimes and shake my head. How does all this fit together? While this music means so much to me, I have changed irrevocably since I wrote it. I ran out of church today as soon as they said AMEN because I didn't want to hear it. All the "that was wonderful"s. "You are so talented" "What a gift you have." It is awkward and odd and it makes me want to run away because I don't know how it fits with who I am today. I have moved on up in the company to become a "Certified Industrial Environmental Consultant" who works with large industries to handle their environmental risks. So now, I am a glorified trash lady. A glorified trash lady who feels the anointing of God when I sing and speak. A trash lady who knows I was created for a purpose larger than myself.

But I have no idea how to get there.