A glorified trash lady

Well, today I sang one of the songs I wrote many moons ago... for the first time in almost 4 years. If I were really honest, I would admit it was pretty traumatic for me. So... I guess I just did. :)

I can remember the day my ex asked me to give up on what I felt was my calling. We were standing in the kitchen and I had been offered a position as a trash can sales person. It was much more money. I remember saying, "Now, why would I do this?" His reply was, "Well, for the family. To provide for the family." So I did. I walked away from radio. Music. Ministry. Everything. To sell trash cans. I remember my first day at work, training, and riding on a trash truck. I had gone from a small town personality with a growing following to being a sanitation worker. I went to the dump 3 times that day. Nothing quite like that smell. I drank myself to sleep that night and began to spiral.

I remember waking up the next day and saying to God, "I can't do this anymore." I didn't mean working in trash. I meant my marriage. I began to realize that I was willing to do this for my children, but not for him. There had been many, many troubled spots in our married life but this was one of many final straws. Many other areas of his life were spiraling too, but I could not bear it all. I felt like I was going to break. I began begging God to let me out. I pleaded for him to release me from these years of agony. Please have grace on me, God. Please. I begged for weeks as I began to learn how to sell trash service. Finally I heard His voice. He said to me, "Babe, it's the same grace. My grace held you when you struggled to stay in this marriage. It's the same grace that will hold you no matter where you are." It was no glowing affirmation of my deep spirituality, but it was enough. I knew God would not leave me, even if I left my husband. So I did. Grace began to take on new meaning in my life.

Is it fair that God won't leave me even when I chose to do exactly that? No. I chose mercy over justice. I was freely given mercy instead of justice. Did I know, at the same time, that God had seen my years of pain, betrayal, and dire effort to make it all OK and to stay married? Of course I did. I trusted Him with all of it.

But singing that song today caused me to grieve a little. It reminded me of what I walked away from. I was so passionate about music & radio. I loved doing my Sunday morning show. It made me wonder where I could have been today if I had not walked away. But I did.

Life is so complicated. There are parts that are so beautiful I can hardly stand it and then parts that are so vile I can't bear to imagine. The truths I have learned over the past 4 years are in-valuable. The depth with which I know Him can't compare to what I knew before. But I still look around sometimes and shake my head. How does all this fit together? While this music means so much to me, I have changed irrevocably since I wrote it. I ran out of church today as soon as they said AMEN because I didn't want to hear it. All the "that was wonderful"s. "You are so talented" "What a gift you have." It is awkward and odd and it makes me want to run away because I don't know how it fits with who I am today. I have moved on up in the company to become a "Certified Industrial Environmental Consultant" who works with large industries to handle their environmental risks. So now, I am a glorified trash lady. A glorified trash lady who feels the anointing of God when I sing and speak. A trash lady who knows I was created for a purpose larger than myself.

But I have no idea how to get there.