All I can do is try...

I’m kinda sad tonight. I just look all around me & get sad at how many people are so “done” with church. The truth is… I have a hard time making sense of it all and don’t often blame them & sometimes wish I could just walk away too. After 14 years of being unhappily married to a minister & going through tremendous years of church deceit and corruption… over & over… having it done to me personally & seeing it externally… at every level of church involvement… I cannot say that many people in my shoes would still be attending church either. Two of my best friends, who I met in church, really don’t believe anymore. Neither attend. Well, one of them gets paid to attend as a musician. So it is a job. They have been pushed away enough to either just not care or to try to think God out of existence. I just have to wonder what would have happened to their faith if Christians had just acted like they should have in the first place. But that never happens, does it?

Sometimes I feel my own Christianity has become something of a lame duck. My life is a messy place spiritually. I just survive from day to day and soak in the moments of joy that come my way. I don’t pretend to be Holy cause there ain’t no hiding this hot mess. I genuinely am not sure that church is a safe place for people who are hurting & looking for God in His truest form but there are few other options out there. I have trouble finding Him in the rituals & traditions. I get bored with the adherence to old ways. I have found God to be true and real in my life too many times to ever lose faith completely… but I have a family history that supports the good consequences of living a godly life. So I have more evidence, personally, that it works. My parents have just been genuinely good people who love God. Their life together is simple & beautiful to me. There are genuinely good people who live lives of compassion and kindness yet have no relationship to God at all… and their lives are beautiful as well. It can all get confusing.

I just know that I believe. I believe that Christianity is a way of life I can never leave. It is about being kind. Loving others. Serving others. Caring for the hurting. Trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before. Learning from my mistakes & moving forward with life. I will never be in ministry again, most likely, because my lifestyle is a bit of a mess. I don’t want to try to be something I am not… but even in the middle of my messy life I know that God is real. I know He can be found in here somewhere because I know He is here. It’s all confusing but somehow I just know. It’s not a question. I may not be able to figure every detail out… but I know Him. He knows me. That’s all I need to know in the end.

The rest I have to trust to God. It makes me sad to see my friends hurt or endlessly searching for something that makes sense in a very confusing, often times corrupt church landscape. I cannot make it better though. All I can do is live in my little piece of this life & love them as they live out theirs. It’s my job to let God be God & humans be human and not confuse the two. It's my job to love no matter what. So I will try. I will try.