Learning to respect myself

I am a human prone to mistakes. From enormous blunders to plain silly stuff, I can screw things up with the best of them. Relationships are no exception. They may actually be my Aquilles Heel.

I have had such a difficult transition into dating. The world changed so much during the 14 years I was married, as had I. Over the past 3 years of being single again, I have realized that I believe others too easily. I trust too quickly. My heart deceives me when it wants what it wants. So now my options are what? To be less trusting, jaded, and guarded. And this is where every other single person in the world seems to live, also. What kind of a match will that produce, though?

One thing I must learn, and am trying to do better with, is not hanging around, pining like a whiney baby girl, when someone has already left me emotionally. It is the worst to be the girl sitting by the unringing phone. It is almost as if guys expect girls to chase them in today's dating environment. In my world it should be mutual. No games. Just equal give and take. But the cycle I have seen over and over again with men is that they adore me for about a minute. Say they can't stop thinking of me. Make inuendo's about a future together. Say I am "the whole package". And then they disappear. They seem so surprised when I have a problem with the difference in what they say and what they do.

A friend of mine said I am not needy enough. She thinks men are too insecure to be with a woman as self sufficient as me. While I love her for having such confidence in me, I do give them a little more credit than that. (and if you look closely, I really am not that impressive!) I think the right one will admire that I am an independent woman making the most of my life & will hopefully treasure the fact that I want to be with him instead of needing something from him. But I see her point.

A guy friend of mine said if I would just treat them like crap when I actually like them, they would keep trying to win me. If I start acting like I like them, it's a bad thing, he says. If I play with their emotions and am dishonest in the mean-time? That's just not OK with me. Not my style. It is not OK for them to do that to me either. Enter: Self Respect.

The worst part of it all, I think, is getting my hopes up only to be dashed again. I am learning to respect myself enough to not put up with it for very long, at least. I am learning to listen to what men do and not what they say. Actions always speak louder, don't they? Maya Angelou says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." I have always loved that saying. But it confuses me too. When someone shows you their kind and loving side, followed by a guarded and possibly even a little mean side, how do you sort it all out? In truth all of us are multi-faceted.

So... single I may stay. Unless I can find the man in the world who will respect me and be honest with me, and not play these head games, that is. I may be asking for too much but I would rather remain alone than to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling. I am still hopeful that one day I will find this man. Hope deferred does make the heart sick sometimes, but I believe with all my heart it will be worth the wait.

How I want to be treated for Mothers Day.

Happy Mother's Day! My kids are so great. I am blessed to be their Mom. Happy Mother's Day to me!

Living life as a single parent makes Mother's Day different. I remember when I was a kid, conspiring with my Dad and brother to make Mother's Day fun and special for Mom. Of course, I realize now, that Dad had a major role in reminding us that it even WAS Mother's Day (I'm already tired of typing it out so let's initial it MD). But every MD my brother & I would get up early and cook Mom breakfast in bed. I am sure that she would lay there cringing at the bangs, crashes and kabooms that would echo from the kitchen. When ever we arrived bedside to deliver our ever so charred surprise she always beamed, anyway. Mom's are awesome.

I know that because mine was awesome. She gave me something to which I aspire. I want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood like I did. Granted, our life is complicated in different ways than my parent's life was. Everyone has their own "special" complications though.

So here I am on MD again, making the best of it. My first "single mom" MD I took the kids to a fun hotel with slides and rock formations and just enjoyed watching them play and laugh all day. Happy MD to me! It was perfect. Last year we spent it with my parents and that was great, too. This year I got up early and went and bought myself a bouquet of MD flowers. I love fresh flowers. It would be great if I had a special guy in my life to conspire to surprise me today. It would be fun to have my kids bring me breakfast in bed. Who is going to teach them that, though? I can't very well teach them to conspire to surprise myself, now, can I? I know they would have a blast doing it though. They love that kind of thing just like I do.

So, until God sends me the man who will treat me the way I want to be treated, I will just treat myself well and wait. I might even buy myself a card and some candy. Life is too short to settle. I know my kids love me. They are so affectionate and sweet. Their hugs and kisses and awesome snuggles make every day MD for me. So no whining today. Just a thankful heart that has hope for a day when things will be just this good and maybe even better.

Beach front ponderings

I love walking the beach. I decided to go all the way to Pensacola Beach to avoid the Spring Breakers. Great call. It is beautiful and quiet here, mostly. It is nice weather although a bit cool. So I strolled, alone, through the kids playing, the teenagers making out and the old farts with way too little clothes on. I stopped to watch when I saw these little dots out on the water. They were surfers waiting for a wave. The waves were not cooperating completely but they were a patient bunch. They had to be a cold bunch too because that water is frigid! Most of them had full wet suits on so I am sure that helped. I tried to count them all, but the waves kept messing up my count. I think there were at least 11 or 12 of them. All hovering with their faces toward the sea. Waiting for the wave that would take them up and over what seemed like an endless lull. Some of them caught a little wave here and there and the others just kept looking to the sea with hope and anticipation, never considering that the waves might not come. I can relate to that.

It was nice to just sit and watch people. Who knows what drama may be unfolding in the personal lives of those 12 little dots on the sea. For that moment I just enjoyed being alone but not lonely. Watching people live there lives in this moment. Being OK with the moment I find myself in. I know this is just a season of my life. It is a solitary time. In the bottom of me I believe God is a just God. There are times when things seem so unfair but I still have confidence in the end that things will be made right. I just have to keep looking & hoping and anticipating it... never considering that it might not come.

Today I feel the tides turning in my life... not just at the beach, either. I am OK with where I live my life and how I live it. I am blessed to have the joys in my life that I can claim as mine. These things are mine to hold and I am not alone.

Talking to no one and everyone at the same time

When I don’t know who to talk to, I blog. That way I can talk to everyone and no one at the same time. I want life to be simple again but I am afraid there is no going back. When I think about it, I am not sure it ever was. I think I was just more ignorant of the complications.

Work is increasingly complicated being in the business world with the economy the way it is. Stress galore. Huge projects in my lap. Earnings off by almost $200k in the first quarter in my department alone, so far. Ugh. It’s gonna be a long year.

Raising kids in these days and times is no simple matter either.

Relations with my ex are super stressful as his remarriage approaches in less than a month. No matter how I feel about any of it I am powerless to change it. I should be happy that he is marrying someone his family and the kids like so much. I do think she is a stabilizing effect on him & I am grateful for that. I just can’t get past the whole 13 year age difference thing and that they both are going into their 3rd marriages. Besides a couple of deeper concerns I have for the over-all situation. She is 32 and going on her 3rd marriage. I mean… how many divorces will my children have to endure? And people say things to me like “Oh I have heard the 3rd one is the charm!” Well, statistics say they have a 20% chance of making it. So how do I prep my kids? All I know to do is give them the facts, tell them that nothing will change their Dad’s love for them & hope for the best. On a personal level, are the deep wonderings of “Why?” Why could he never love me like that? Why was I never important enough for him to straighten up for? He admittedly says he learned from his mistakes with me… but that sucks. I had to endure the crap so she gets a great husband? Someone shoot me now! And then there is the underlying question: What’s wrong with ME? Why am I still alone? I was not the one who lied, cheated & stole. But yet he is rewarded for his actions by this? And I am potentially doomed to be alone forever? Where is the justice of God in this world? I so rarely see it. There just are no answers for these questions. But there is the daily reality of trying to be a big person about it all and trying to keep things healthy for my kids. I will be alone while the kids go off with them to be in the mountain top wedding by a bubbling waterfall. Precious. They will be gone for 6 whole days. I know I will feel utterly alone. And then when they return, after my days in exile, I will have to smile and pretend to be interested as they bubble over at the fun of it all. I will hide my tears and mourning and listen quietly and pretend to be happy for them. This pity party is a bottomless pit as you can see.

There is a bright spot to my story though. I am building a house. It will be in the same spot my Great Grandmother’s house was located. There are two Camellia bushes in the yard that are probably 8 feet tall and about 80 years old. I have always loved Camellias. My Great Grandmother planted them herself. Very cool. And the two room house my Dad was born in during the 1920’s is about 100 feet away. There is nothing more comforting than to be surrounded by heritage during times like this. Building a house is no stress free walk in the park but at least it is positive.

So that is my public pity party. Just pray for me if you think of me. I am trying to be strong but I get tired of it.

A little bloggy blog

I feel like being sentimental today but am not sure I have the chops for it. But I can laugh at how ridiculously pitiful my life has been over the past few weeks. What else can you do sometimes?

It always happens that way in my life. When it rains it becomes a monsoon that blows the little pig's house down that leaves the piggy squealing "Are you the big bad wolf, Oh God??? Do You want to consume me??" Well, the answer would be "yes" ultimately, God does want to consume me, as un-palletable as I am. He is so persistent that way. It can be quite annoying. I don't think He really had anything to do with most of the story to follow... it's just the way life is sometimes. But He will use it. No doubt.

So, I moaned and wailed about having the flu, right? Well, once I came out of my four day stupor of being bed ridden with that, I actually realized I had let my children slip into a very unsympathetic, spoiled & selfish existence in our home. I just do way too much for them. All throughout my illness they were pretty demanding of me and unhelpful as I was needing some support. They are 12 & almost 10. Well able to help out around the house. So the week after I got better, I went on boycott. They did all the laundry, dishes & chores for a whole week as a lesson about helping out when Mom is feeling bad... or just in general. We have now re-adjusted to doing the chores as a group effort, so ultimately I think this was good for my kids. Spoiled kids are no good.

So then I started coughing. Hacked & hacked. But I started back running again. The day I made it back up to 3 miles without stopping, I broke a rib. It was hurting that day but three days later I was in serious pain. A chest x-ray showed that the cartilage had broken away from the bone on one of the ribs in the center section of the chest. Blood was pooling up around it & causing pain & inflamation. It was caused by all the coughing. Can you believe that? Ugh. So the Doc gave me great meds that helped with the pain alot. It's gonna take 6 weeks to heal though. Bummer, huh?

I went on a business trip to Orlando anyway, all doped up. The morning of my business meeting I decided to go run. I ordered room service for 9am, took my meds & then ran at 8am. 3 miles on Hydrocodone was a breeze! Didn't feel a thing! However, by 9:30 am I was paying homage to the porcelain god who wanted to reclaim my breakfast. I continued my trail of vomit throughout the trip. Just before my meeting, sitting in the lobby waiting, I had to make a mad dash for the ladies room to pay homage once again. I made it through the meeting but gave the porcelain god accolades once again afterwards in the same ladies room. One more salute on the side of the Turn Pike at a toll booth and my trail of vomit was coming to a close. It was all very sexy. I finally got to my destination & felt good enough to go out and have fun with some friends last night, so that was a nice ending to an awful day.

I have made it through all of that to say this: "Eat before you take pain medicine" and "Life goes on!"

That's about as much sentiment as I can muster right now. I am sure you feel my sentiments in the story though! :))

Hope you all have a good weekend!

What I hate about...

I could name quite a few things I hate about being divorced. Having all the responsibility of parenthood to myself. Being lonely for adult companionship. I don't fit into the married world around me AT ALL. All of that sucks.

I think the thing I hate the most, though, is dating. I hate the nervousness. I hate the way it never seems to match up. It is either... I like them & they don't like me that much... or they like me & I don't like them. Grrr. What a royal pain. Not to mention the psychos & weirdos out there these days.

OH! And the "no sex" part of being single. Geesh. That's a bummer.

I don't regret the divorce. My sanity was a small price to pay for living with these proverbial thorns in my flesh. There was nothing easy about my life before divorce & there is nothing easy about it now. It is much better in some ways. More peaceful. More prosperous. Less drama. Less emotional distress. I need to make a T-shirt about life, though. It would read: NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT!

However, it is so hard not to hate men. I have always tried to be reasonable & not generalize any class of people. But the more I date, as a world wise adult female, the more I just think men in general are morons. Or at least the ones I have been out with. I may never re-marry. I can't tolerate even the slightest about of bull, anymore, or I am walking out the door. It's all just too much work. It exhausts me more than anything else in my life. Work exhausts me. My schedule exhausts me. But... there is something special about the exhaustion obtained in allowing myself to "hope" that something good is starting only to once again be disappointed. It is so, so draining.

Amid all of my angst, I do not know how to balance my desire to NOT be alone anymore with the reality that I may always be alone in this lifetime. I know God is with me. But according to my Bible He ain't putting on skin again. And there is nothing quite like the human touch. The feel of skin on skin. The warmth of a bear hug. The brush of a cheek from someone who makes your heart flutter. The love that can be sensed through holding someone's hand or even touching their arm.

It's magical and deceptive all at the same time. It's practical and sometimes so elusive. But this is where I am forced to walk. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere in relation to love. It is not mine to hold, yet. My chance may have passed. I've decided that I need to live my life as if I will never re-marry and then be pleasantly surprised if I actually do meet someone. But all it takes is one flirt & I am hoping away for something more in a sad & desperate kind of futility.

So I slap myself around for being idealistic once again & try to snap back to reality. There is laundry to do. Dishes to wash. Kids to raise. Work to do. Who has time for dating anyway... but wait... was he firting with me????

So the cycle goes.

Friends

I have realized in the last 3 years how blessed I am to have good and true friends. I am not one to struggle with deep issues much. I have learned to just watch & listen and the truth will come out. It is important not to jump to conclusions or judge things prematurely. I have decided to give people the benefit of the doubt and then be kind to them anyway, if it ends up they didn't deserve it.

I have two best friends. What a lucky girl I am. Not many people can boast even one. A week ago one of those friends was in a very sad state of mind & I didn't even think twice about running to be with her, even though it was an hour away & dark o'clock. That is what friends do. Later that night my other best friend did the same thing when she found out she was needed. We all pow-wow-ed together. Three little monkey's on the bed, until we all fell asleep. When we woke up the next morning, life was still pretty sucky. We did not solve world hunger that night. We didn't fix the problems in our own lives. But we had loved. We were better for having loved each other that night.

My Christianity has become it's own entity in this world. The more life experience I gain, the less theology I can spit out at people in pain. I know the theology, but more importantly I know the God the theology is about. The one thing I know about Christ and how He applies to this life is the unconditional love He gives. He was there that night in all of our messed up-ness. I'm sure he grimaced at times, winced at some points, and cried with us. And He loved. Of this I am certain. He loved.

My life has been extraordinary. I have loved passionately, hurt incredibly, lived freely, given totally, cried endlessly and laughed myself into cheek cramps. I do not regret any of it. God will weave this tapestry as He pleases from here but as for me... I will live. I will love. I will know God better for doing so.