Learning to respect myself

I am a human prone to mistakes. From enormous blunders to plain silly stuff, I can screw things up with the best of them. Relationships are no exception. They may actually be my Aquilles Heel.

I have had such a difficult transition into dating. The world changed so much during the 14 years I was married, as had I. Over the past 3 years of being single again, I have realized that I believe others too easily. I trust too quickly. My heart deceives me when it wants what it wants. So now my options are what? To be less trusting, jaded, and guarded. And this is where every other single person in the world seems to live, also. What kind of a match will that produce, though?

One thing I must learn, and am trying to do better with, is not hanging around, pining like a whiney baby girl, when someone has already left me emotionally. It is the worst to be the girl sitting by the unringing phone. It is almost as if guys expect girls to chase them in today's dating environment. In my world it should be mutual. No games. Just equal give and take. But the cycle I have seen over and over again with men is that they adore me for about a minute. Say they can't stop thinking of me. Make inuendo's about a future together. Say I am "the whole package". And then they disappear. They seem so surprised when I have a problem with the difference in what they say and what they do.

A friend of mine said I am not needy enough. She thinks men are too insecure to be with a woman as self sufficient as me. While I love her for having such confidence in me, I do give them a little more credit than that. (and if you look closely, I really am not that impressive!) I think the right one will admire that I am an independent woman making the most of my life & will hopefully treasure the fact that I want to be with him instead of needing something from him. But I see her point.

A guy friend of mine said if I would just treat them like crap when I actually like them, they would keep trying to win me. If I start acting like I like them, it's a bad thing, he says. If I play with their emotions and am dishonest in the mean-time? That's just not OK with me. Not my style. It is not OK for them to do that to me either. Enter: Self Respect.

The worst part of it all, I think, is getting my hopes up only to be dashed again. I am learning to respect myself enough to not put up with it for very long, at least. I am learning to listen to what men do and not what they say. Actions always speak louder, don't they? Maya Angelou says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." I have always loved that saying. But it confuses me too. When someone shows you their kind and loving side, followed by a guarded and possibly even a little mean side, how do you sort it all out? In truth all of us are multi-faceted.

So... single I may stay. Unless I can find the man in the world who will respect me and be honest with me, and not play these head games, that is. I may be asking for too much but I would rather remain alone than to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling. I am still hopeful that one day I will find this man. Hope deferred does make the heart sick sometimes, but I believe with all my heart it will be worth the wait.