There is something about home that just heals me. I work hard to call this life my own. The more I work to call it mine, the more I realize how little control I have over any of it. Any one part of my life could spin out of control at any moment, with no effort from me at all, and it would change my landscape forever.
The 20th anniversary of my brother’s funeral is coming up in seven days. I remember the wrenching that replaced “normal life” with “out of control”. I remember the agony, the foolishness, the despair of it all. It seems so far away these days but you never forget. I remember Christmas with presents left under the tree with Claude’s name on them. It seemed disrespectful, somehow, to return them. I remember sitting around with family trying to smile as we opened all the other presents and feeling so hollow. At least he was relieved from living with that awful name for years to come. What was my Mom thinking? I remember us plotting to change his middle name to his familiar calling when he went to college, deciding that Michael was much friendlier than Claude. Unfortunate for our plan, he roomed with buddies from high school, so Claude could not be escaped. But Claude is who he was, to the core.
It is in life’s uncertain moments that you realize what is important. Since that day, I have never gotten off the phone with my parents without saying “I love you.” Apologies between remaining family members began to flow after losing one of our most colorful members. We had all appreciated him more than we ever said. We had to make sure that didn’t happen again. Claude was a swirl of vibrant colors with loud accents. When that is suddenly jerked away, each member has to search for their own colors and notes to strike. We had to figure out who we were without him. My grandmother never did. She died 8 months later from a broken heart, I believe. The fact that she was 88 might have had a little to do with it, admittedly. She grieved, unrelenting, for the rest of her life, though.
There are vivid memories of strength that linger with me from that time as well. These are moments when you realize that meek, submissive personalities are sometimes the backbones of the family. My mother may be one of the kindest, most supportive, giving, submissive & gentle women I have ever known. When I was young her submission to my Dad would infuriate me. When I watched my 6’2”, 250 lb Dad crumple into her arms under the weight of his grief, I realized my Mom had been his rock all along. She is the one who yanked a knot in my tail when I whined that I couldn’t bare to go to the funeral. Oh yes I would. And I did. And I am glad. My Mom had lost a husband just as suddenly and tragically in a plane crash years before she met my Dad, yet she was the one who guided all of us through this awful terrain with a grace that I have never forgotten. That is a strong woman, however submissive she may seem.
This Christmas is bittersweet. Reflecting back on all I have to be thankful for overwhelms me. Experiencing a loss so deep makes the breadth of devotion to what is in the now just so much stronger. All of our lives are so fragile, and precious, and beautiful. Our lives are difficult, and confusing, and sometimes frightening. But we have so much to be thankful for. There is so much life to be lived right now. We can’t miss it by worrying or plotting tomorrow. We just need to show up and soak in the amazing grace of life right here. That is my plan for Christmas this year.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Tender Moments
Clearly, this has been a moment in time when I would not willingly choose to walk in this space. It amazes me how I can be so tough and so extraordinarily tender at the same time. I can be so deep and serious and yet so silly and frivolous. Responsible yet irresponsible. I laugh when I should be serious. I am impatient when I should hold my peace. I can crack a joke at just about anything. I can piss almost anyone off given enough time. I am me, through and through, like it or not.
Why then am I blessed despite my faults? No rhyme or reason to the dang thing, honestly. This is grace, my friends. Grace supreme. That’s about it. Nothing I can claim as my own.
When I almost got fired for my smart ass impatience and deep seated frustration with every boss I have… it made me take stock. Perhaps I should settle the heck down. Yes? Yes! I somehow decided that all on my own (after I got a good chewing out). I came home and held my kids tight & thought about what life would be like if I lost my job. I take credit for my wrong doing… but my work place is insane right now. Many have lost their jobs or quit far before me. Dropping like flies they are. That just can’t be me. I would like to feed my kiddos, preferably.
So I talked to my kids and told them we needed to start living as if Mommy doesn’t have a job. Eating at home every night. I cannot pay them for their A’s on their report card anymore (but please still make them). We even devised a plan for Christmas that is money free. We are going to make coupon books for each other with things like “one free foot rub” and “one long candle-lit bubble bath compliments of Mom” written in them. (I tend to horde my hot tub, you see, so this will be a big treat for them!) Then we can choose when & where we will redeem the coupons. They were so excited about that plan. I am too.
My friend Sam said it best: my children are incredibly kind and loving. Either that is another total point of grace or I may be doing something right. I want so badly to be excellent in every area of life but just am not. I am ok in most areas... sometimes. I am the kind of person who would rather not do a thing… than to do it poorly. I choose to place parenting first. This means very little of my life is my own. This makes me feel very alone & isolated at times. This means that when my emotions have reached their limits I lose it at work instead of at home. If being a good parent means I must transfer into a position at work that has less stress & also pays less, then that is what I will do. I really enjoy my position… when my bosses don’t ride me like a friggin mule that is… so it sucks that I must give it up. It sucks that I must live in a place with few dating options so I can keep the kids close to their Dad & I can be close to my aging parents. It sucks that he is re-married and I still trudge on alone. Nothing is fair about life… but it still has its moments.
Yesterday, I worked all day, got supplies for my daughter’s project that was due the next day (and that I only found out about that morning - grrr), cooked them dinner, went to church to practice the song I will sing Sunday, first with the band & then again with the choir. I left the kids working on Morgan’s project together while I ran up to the church for practice. I finally got home around 8pm and they were so proud & excited to show me Morgan’s diorama. They did a great job. I do not know many siblings who get along like they do. Her 10 year old brother spent the entire time helping her. I got my jim jams on, poured my evening toddy, and was ready to flop in the bed when I found my sweet note on the pillow. There was a picture drawn on the front with me cooking their dinner while they worked on the project at the table. It declared itself to be a “Note of Appreciation” at the top. After I wrestled the sparkly twist tie off, it opened up to say “We really appreciate you and how much you have worked lately and we just want you to know that we care!” With a, “P.S. We love you” inside a heart with an arrow through it, my heart was full. It overflowed through my eyes and I knew I was loved. How many 10 & 13 year olds just think to do something like that on their own? I cannot feel sorry for myself when I look into their characters. I am blessed.
Somehow I was still depressed all day today. Depressed but loved. Depressed but thankful. Sad but blessed. I have learned to recognize spiraling when it begins. I know it is important to pay attention to why I feel the way I do but at the same time not to spiral down into an unreasonably sad place. That has been my basic goal today. Besides work, that is. And thus... I blog.
Right now life is a tender place both in good ways & bad. I will take them both because I am not sure I could fully appreciate one without the other. And… either way they will both still be a part of life… so I might as well make the best of it!
Why then am I blessed despite my faults? No rhyme or reason to the dang thing, honestly. This is grace, my friends. Grace supreme. That’s about it. Nothing I can claim as my own.
When I almost got fired for my smart ass impatience and deep seated frustration with every boss I have… it made me take stock. Perhaps I should settle the heck down. Yes? Yes! I somehow decided that all on my own (after I got a good chewing out). I came home and held my kids tight & thought about what life would be like if I lost my job. I take credit for my wrong doing… but my work place is insane right now. Many have lost their jobs or quit far before me. Dropping like flies they are. That just can’t be me. I would like to feed my kiddos, preferably.
So I talked to my kids and told them we needed to start living as if Mommy doesn’t have a job. Eating at home every night. I cannot pay them for their A’s on their report card anymore (but please still make them). We even devised a plan for Christmas that is money free. We are going to make coupon books for each other with things like “one free foot rub” and “one long candle-lit bubble bath compliments of Mom” written in them. (I tend to horde my hot tub, you see, so this will be a big treat for them!) Then we can choose when & where we will redeem the coupons. They were so excited about that plan. I am too.
My friend Sam said it best: my children are incredibly kind and loving. Either that is another total point of grace or I may be doing something right. I want so badly to be excellent in every area of life but just am not. I am ok in most areas... sometimes. I am the kind of person who would rather not do a thing… than to do it poorly. I choose to place parenting first. This means very little of my life is my own. This makes me feel very alone & isolated at times. This means that when my emotions have reached their limits I lose it at work instead of at home. If being a good parent means I must transfer into a position at work that has less stress & also pays less, then that is what I will do. I really enjoy my position… when my bosses don’t ride me like a friggin mule that is… so it sucks that I must give it up. It sucks that I must live in a place with few dating options so I can keep the kids close to their Dad & I can be close to my aging parents. It sucks that he is re-married and I still trudge on alone. Nothing is fair about life… but it still has its moments.
Yesterday, I worked all day, got supplies for my daughter’s project that was due the next day (and that I only found out about that morning - grrr), cooked them dinner, went to church to practice the song I will sing Sunday, first with the band & then again with the choir. I left the kids working on Morgan’s project together while I ran up to the church for practice. I finally got home around 8pm and they were so proud & excited to show me Morgan’s diorama. They did a great job. I do not know many siblings who get along like they do. Her 10 year old brother spent the entire time helping her. I got my jim jams on, poured my evening toddy, and was ready to flop in the bed when I found my sweet note on the pillow. There was a picture drawn on the front with me cooking their dinner while they worked on the project at the table. It declared itself to be a “Note of Appreciation” at the top. After I wrestled the sparkly twist tie off, it opened up to say “We really appreciate you and how much you have worked lately and we just want you to know that we care!” With a, “P.S. We love you” inside a heart with an arrow through it, my heart was full. It overflowed through my eyes and I knew I was loved. How many 10 & 13 year olds just think to do something like that on their own? I cannot feel sorry for myself when I look into their characters. I am blessed.
Somehow I was still depressed all day today. Depressed but loved. Depressed but thankful. Sad but blessed. I have learned to recognize spiraling when it begins. I know it is important to pay attention to why I feel the way I do but at the same time not to spiral down into an unreasonably sad place. That has been my basic goal today. Besides work, that is. And thus... I blog.
Right now life is a tender place both in good ways & bad. I will take them both because I am not sure I could fully appreciate one without the other. And… either way they will both still be a part of life… so I might as well make the best of it!
Sunday, November 1, 2009
A Life Unbalanced
I have known for some time that my life was getting out of hand. When I get up at 5am and then am up until Midnight 3 – 4 nights a week trying to finish my work, it is only a matter of time before something has to give. One person was never meant to do everything I am doing alone. I cannot get caught up in the unfairness of life or it would bury me. It would be true to say that life is royally unfair at times & quite harsh. It would also be true to say that I am not handling this pressure well and something has to give.
I was talking to a co-worker a few weeks ago about the pressure at work. She quit her job the very next week because it got to be too much. She had gotten so stressed out that she screamed at her daughter for the first time in her life. She decided it wasn’t worth it. She had a husband who supported her decision to quit & whose income could hold them until she found something else.
Feeling trapped is a tough place to be. I have no one to take up my slack if I fail. I have a lot of people to disappoint. I have loved my job for nearly 5 years. I have advanced quickly & been paid well. I have been well respected and sought after as a contributor to many projects. Then something changed. I am not sure if it was me or the economy or my company or a combination of all the above. But something changed. I have felt abused, disrespected & jerked around for the last 6 months. I am un-able to change the direction things are going. I am trapped. I am not the kind to come home & yell at my children. I snap at work instead, which is very detrimental to my working relationships… and my very livelihood. We all have our snapping points & I have evidently reached mine. If something doesn’t give, it may be sorted out for me… and to a potentially devastating end.
I am afraid.
I have been reminded this week of how important every action is. One irresponsible act can change your life indelibly. Time can repair some of the damage but it cannot change what has been done. For weeks, I have been prayerfully wondering if I could keep pace with the re-structuring that has happened at work. I have been wondering if I want to. Traveling overnight 2 – 3 days / week is just not functional for a single mother. The overwhelming tasks of attempting to be prepared for work & making sleeping arrangements for children, packing bags, delivering guitars & writing out after-school schedules for those helping me with the kids and then organizing myself to be effective at work while traveling… well it is just too much. I have known it for some time. But what to do? All I can do is keep trying. This is no economy to be looking at switching professions. I just bought this house I want to be “home” to my kids and I have plenty of bills & responsibilities to go with. I have never been a fearful person but I am afraid, almost frozen with fear at what could happen if I can’t handle this.
What I need to focus on right now are my options. There are always options. I need clarity on what those are and how to navigate them. I need to decide on a direction and walk that way confidently. I know we all have turning point moments in life. This is one for me & I must face it all alone. No one can make these decisions for me. So I will. I must. And I will walk on & thrive, despite it all. I'm just stubborn like that. ;)
I was talking to a co-worker a few weeks ago about the pressure at work. She quit her job the very next week because it got to be too much. She had gotten so stressed out that she screamed at her daughter for the first time in her life. She decided it wasn’t worth it. She had a husband who supported her decision to quit & whose income could hold them until she found something else.
Feeling trapped is a tough place to be. I have no one to take up my slack if I fail. I have a lot of people to disappoint. I have loved my job for nearly 5 years. I have advanced quickly & been paid well. I have been well respected and sought after as a contributor to many projects. Then something changed. I am not sure if it was me or the economy or my company or a combination of all the above. But something changed. I have felt abused, disrespected & jerked around for the last 6 months. I am un-able to change the direction things are going. I am trapped. I am not the kind to come home & yell at my children. I snap at work instead, which is very detrimental to my working relationships… and my very livelihood. We all have our snapping points & I have evidently reached mine. If something doesn’t give, it may be sorted out for me… and to a potentially devastating end.
I am afraid.
I have been reminded this week of how important every action is. One irresponsible act can change your life indelibly. Time can repair some of the damage but it cannot change what has been done. For weeks, I have been prayerfully wondering if I could keep pace with the re-structuring that has happened at work. I have been wondering if I want to. Traveling overnight 2 – 3 days / week is just not functional for a single mother. The overwhelming tasks of attempting to be prepared for work & making sleeping arrangements for children, packing bags, delivering guitars & writing out after-school schedules for those helping me with the kids and then organizing myself to be effective at work while traveling… well it is just too much. I have known it for some time. But what to do? All I can do is keep trying. This is no economy to be looking at switching professions. I just bought this house I want to be “home” to my kids and I have plenty of bills & responsibilities to go with. I have never been a fearful person but I am afraid, almost frozen with fear at what could happen if I can’t handle this.
What I need to focus on right now are my options. There are always options. I need clarity on what those are and how to navigate them. I need to decide on a direction and walk that way confidently. I know we all have turning point moments in life. This is one for me & I must face it all alone. No one can make these decisions for me. So I will. I must. And I will walk on & thrive, despite it all. I'm just stubborn like that. ;)
Thursday, October 22, 2009
The pitfalls of being an affirmation whore…
You see… I have called myself an affirmation whore for a very long time. I thrive on applause. I will work hard to get a “good job” from my bosses. I love & become a working girl for doing things right. My morals get on my own dang nerves sometimes! I love to make people laugh. I despise myself when I make them cry or when I piss them off. I like it when other people see and appreciate how hard I try, whether I succeed or not. Is that messed up? Why yes, Sherlock, that is!!! But it is a part of who I am, like it or not.
So… what does an affirmation whore do when there are no tricks to be had? When my kids are mad at me because I work too much? When work is mad at me because I don’t produce enough? When my church is mad at me because I don’t go to Sunday school? When I don’t have time to spend with my date? When I neglect my friends because… well… all the above!!! What the crap does an affirmation whore do???
At that point, most pimps push drugs on their subjects to make life more bearable. Wow… look at that drink in my hand. Am I pimping myself out to this life? That would be a revelation I did NOT need!
Getting less funny now.
Or pimps beat the crap out of their whores to get them back in line so they will get back to work. Yes, I was in casework for 7 years. I know. Do I beat myself up? Often. Is that OK… um… NO!
This analogy is funny until it gets real.
So where is an affirmation whore to go? There is no way I could ever think myself out of this funk. This is beyond me, ok? When I get to the end of me… I must look up. At that point, affirmation be damned. I just need to do & know what is right. Then I can walk on. WALK ON! No tricks necessary. Once my knower is sure… I will wait for the “well done” that is coming. Call it delayed gratification. I can handle that.
Do I know that there is some amazing higher being to catch me when I royally screw things up? Yeppers. I know this. Do I believe His name is Jesus Christ? Why yes, Sherlock, I do! Do I realize that a lot of this life is spent in speculation about what is in the after life? Yessir. Always has been. Check some Egyptian & Mayan ruins. We all know this deep inside but can’t quite figure the dang thing and ALWAYS screw it up. Something is up with that and it needs more investigation. Just like science is a sport of speculation… I believe God is worth investigating. So I am gonna keep digging.
Can an affirmation whore find God in this messed up world? Yep. Been there. Done that. I just need to see a glimpse again for a sec & I will be all good.
So… what does an affirmation whore do when there are no tricks to be had? When my kids are mad at me because I work too much? When work is mad at me because I don’t produce enough? When my church is mad at me because I don’t go to Sunday school? When I don’t have time to spend with my date? When I neglect my friends because… well… all the above!!! What the crap does an affirmation whore do???
At that point, most pimps push drugs on their subjects to make life more bearable. Wow… look at that drink in my hand. Am I pimping myself out to this life? That would be a revelation I did NOT need!
Getting less funny now.
Or pimps beat the crap out of their whores to get them back in line so they will get back to work. Yes, I was in casework for 7 years. I know. Do I beat myself up? Often. Is that OK… um… NO!
This analogy is funny until it gets real.
So where is an affirmation whore to go? There is no way I could ever think myself out of this funk. This is beyond me, ok? When I get to the end of me… I must look up. At that point, affirmation be damned. I just need to do & know what is right. Then I can walk on. WALK ON! No tricks necessary. Once my knower is sure… I will wait for the “well done” that is coming. Call it delayed gratification. I can handle that.
Do I know that there is some amazing higher being to catch me when I royally screw things up? Yeppers. I know this. Do I believe His name is Jesus Christ? Why yes, Sherlock, I do! Do I realize that a lot of this life is spent in speculation about what is in the after life? Yessir. Always has been. Check some Egyptian & Mayan ruins. We all know this deep inside but can’t quite figure the dang thing and ALWAYS screw it up. Something is up with that and it needs more investigation. Just like science is a sport of speculation… I believe God is worth investigating. So I am gonna keep digging.
Can an affirmation whore find God in this messed up world? Yep. Been there. Done that. I just need to see a glimpse again for a sec & I will be all good.
Monday, August 31, 2009
All I can do is try...
I’m kinda sad tonight. I just look all around me & get sad at how many people are so “done” with church. The truth is… I have a hard time making sense of it all and don’t often blame them & sometimes wish I could just walk away too. After 14 years of being unhappily married to a minister & going through tremendous years of church deceit and corruption… over & over… having it done to me personally & seeing it externally… at every level of church involvement… I cannot say that many people in my shoes would still be attending church either. Two of my best friends, who I met in church, really don’t believe anymore. Neither attend. Well, one of them gets paid to attend as a musician. So it is a job. They have been pushed away enough to either just not care or to try to think God out of existence. I just have to wonder what would have happened to their faith if Christians had just acted like they should have in the first place. But that never happens, does it?
Sometimes I feel my own Christianity has become something of a lame duck. My life is a messy place spiritually. I just survive from day to day and soak in the moments of joy that come my way. I don’t pretend to be Holy cause there ain’t no hiding this hot mess. I genuinely am not sure that church is a safe place for people who are hurting & looking for God in His truest form but there are few other options out there. I have trouble finding Him in the rituals & traditions. I get bored with the adherence to old ways. I have found God to be true and real in my life too many times to ever lose faith completely… but I have a family history that supports the good consequences of living a godly life. So I have more evidence, personally, that it works. My parents have just been genuinely good people who love God. Their life together is simple & beautiful to me. There are genuinely good people who live lives of compassion and kindness yet have no relationship to God at all… and their lives are beautiful as well. It can all get confusing.
I just know that I believe. I believe that Christianity is a way of life I can never leave. It is about being kind. Loving others. Serving others. Caring for the hurting. Trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before. Learning from my mistakes & moving forward with life. I will never be in ministry again, most likely, because my lifestyle is a bit of a mess. I don’t want to try to be something I am not… but even in the middle of my messy life I know that God is real. I know He can be found in here somewhere because I know He is here. It’s all confusing but somehow I just know. It’s not a question. I may not be able to figure every detail out… but I know Him. He knows me. That’s all I need to know in the end.
The rest I have to trust to God. It makes me sad to see my friends hurt or endlessly searching for something that makes sense in a very confusing, often times corrupt church landscape. I cannot make it better though. All I can do is live in my little piece of this life & love them as they live out theirs. It’s my job to let God be God & humans be human and not confuse the two. It's my job to love no matter what. So I will try. I will try.
Sometimes I feel my own Christianity has become something of a lame duck. My life is a messy place spiritually. I just survive from day to day and soak in the moments of joy that come my way. I don’t pretend to be Holy cause there ain’t no hiding this hot mess. I genuinely am not sure that church is a safe place for people who are hurting & looking for God in His truest form but there are few other options out there. I have trouble finding Him in the rituals & traditions. I get bored with the adherence to old ways. I have found God to be true and real in my life too many times to ever lose faith completely… but I have a family history that supports the good consequences of living a godly life. So I have more evidence, personally, that it works. My parents have just been genuinely good people who love God. Their life together is simple & beautiful to me. There are genuinely good people who live lives of compassion and kindness yet have no relationship to God at all… and their lives are beautiful as well. It can all get confusing.
I just know that I believe. I believe that Christianity is a way of life I can never leave. It is about being kind. Loving others. Serving others. Caring for the hurting. Trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before. Learning from my mistakes & moving forward with life. I will never be in ministry again, most likely, because my lifestyle is a bit of a mess. I don’t want to try to be something I am not… but even in the middle of my messy life I know that God is real. I know He can be found in here somewhere because I know He is here. It’s all confusing but somehow I just know. It’s not a question. I may not be able to figure every detail out… but I know Him. He knows me. That’s all I need to know in the end.
The rest I have to trust to God. It makes me sad to see my friends hurt or endlessly searching for something that makes sense in a very confusing, often times corrupt church landscape. I cannot make it better though. All I can do is live in my little piece of this life & love them as they live out theirs. It’s my job to let God be God & humans be human and not confuse the two. It's my job to love no matter what. So I will try. I will try.
Friday, August 28, 2009
I'm too sexy for my mower... to sexy for my mow - er - bay - bee - yeah!
So... if you haven't noticed... my life is hectic. I am here. I am there. I am nowhere... all at one time. I love the fullness of my life. I am so glad I have all this meaningful stuff happening to me. But mowing my lawn on Friday night from 7 - 8:30pm is not so sexy. So I am riding in circles thinking, " I am too sexy for this mower." Think positive, right? My neighbors know exactly how UN-sexy I was. I hope they don't tell.
I honestly didn't think I had enough gas. I have bitten off a little more life than I think I can chew sometimes. I checked the little red gas can I have & it had a little gas in the bottom. Dang it. If it had been empty I woulda said, "Oh... it can wait until tomorrow." But NOOOOOO. I had to fill the tank & see if I could make it through the whole yard. But not before I had cooked dinner & swam with the kids.
You see... I thought I would get off work early tonight because I had worked so hard all week long. But, because of random circumstances I ended up working until 6:45pm on Friday night on various random things that came up in the Environmental Management world... as I was trying to cook a fab dinner for myself & the kids.
You see... I am generally a scallop purist. I love scallops with just garlic, salt, pepper & butter... seared to perfection on each side. But I read this crazy recipe the other day with Ritz Crackers as a coating and Olive Oil. It sounded just weird enough to be yummy & I wanted to have some of that. So I tried to sneak to the grocery store today in my frumpy clothes, no make-up & un-washed hair... to get my supplies & got busted by one of the most gorgeous friends I have (you Gaye) and then all hell broke loose with work. At one point our VP was emailing me pissed off. It was about 6pm by then. My scallops were coated & searing beautifully. I managed to appease my VP while searing my scallops to perfection, preparing lemon-garlic angel hair pasta & serving everything to the family. My kids actually ate it!!! YUM-EEE! So we swam after that & it was time to mow.
When I look at my yard... I realize I need a man. I do try to manage it. It overwhelms me though. The previous owners were yard people. I bought the house for the beautiful back yard with the pool in it. The house itself is a little awkward. The rooms are shaped weird & they have an unfortunate sort of country vibe. But you can see the potential, ya know? But now something has gone wrong in the back yard. There is an odor I cannot pin down. It is unpleasant. It may be the Coi pond I cannot maintain... or the weeds I cannot maintain... or the water tower next door... or a rodent that has deceased under the deck... I just don't know. But it is going to take alot of energy to eliminate it, whatever it is. So... I mowed instead.
I can ride in circles in my UN-sexy way & pretend the rest doesn't exist. Until tomorrow.
I will hunt down & eliminate the odor if at all possible... tomorrow.
I am definitely TOO sexy for all of this. RIGHT?
Ugh. G'Night!
I honestly didn't think I had enough gas. I have bitten off a little more life than I think I can chew sometimes. I checked the little red gas can I have & it had a little gas in the bottom. Dang it. If it had been empty I woulda said, "Oh... it can wait until tomorrow." But NOOOOOO. I had to fill the tank & see if I could make it through the whole yard. But not before I had cooked dinner & swam with the kids.
You see... I thought I would get off work early tonight because I had worked so hard all week long. But, because of random circumstances I ended up working until 6:45pm on Friday night on various random things that came up in the Environmental Management world... as I was trying to cook a fab dinner for myself & the kids.
You see... I am generally a scallop purist. I love scallops with just garlic, salt, pepper & butter... seared to perfection on each side. But I read this crazy recipe the other day with Ritz Crackers as a coating and Olive Oil. It sounded just weird enough to be yummy & I wanted to have some of that. So I tried to sneak to the grocery store today in my frumpy clothes, no make-up & un-washed hair... to get my supplies & got busted by one of the most gorgeous friends I have (you Gaye) and then all hell broke loose with work. At one point our VP was emailing me pissed off. It was about 6pm by then. My scallops were coated & searing beautifully. I managed to appease my VP while searing my scallops to perfection, preparing lemon-garlic angel hair pasta & serving everything to the family. My kids actually ate it!!! YUM-EEE! So we swam after that & it was time to mow.
When I look at my yard... I realize I need a man. I do try to manage it. It overwhelms me though. The previous owners were yard people. I bought the house for the beautiful back yard with the pool in it. The house itself is a little awkward. The rooms are shaped weird & they have an unfortunate sort of country vibe. But you can see the potential, ya know? But now something has gone wrong in the back yard. There is an odor I cannot pin down. It is unpleasant. It may be the Coi pond I cannot maintain... or the weeds I cannot maintain... or the water tower next door... or a rodent that has deceased under the deck... I just don't know. But it is going to take alot of energy to eliminate it, whatever it is. So... I mowed instead.
I can ride in circles in my UN-sexy way & pretend the rest doesn't exist. Until tomorrow.
I will hunt down & eliminate the odor if at all possible... tomorrow.
I am definitely TOO sexy for all of this. RIGHT?
Ugh. G'Night!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A blog has been brewing...
I think this blog started brewing when my daughter found out I would be 39 this year. She said to me, in a very distressed tone, “Oh NO Mom! That means you only have one more year to find a man!”
Gulp.
Of course, being the humorist that I am… and seeing a HUGE opportunity to play this up… I said, “What? Ah! Morgan!!!” So she does what most people do when they have inserted foot in mouth. They make it worse. Morgan goes on this long rambling explanation of how, you know, 30 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 40 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 50 year old men like women in their 30’s. Not helping, Morgan. I finally just said to her, “Hey baby… I am HOT for 39 and don’t you forget it!” She giggled herself into silence, thankfully. GEESH!
So this got me to thinking… I could have a lot to be depressed about if I weren’t just so darn happy. I mean… I am still single at 39 after 3 years of divorce. I’m fatter than I have ever been. (Well, since giving birth to a 9lb 9oz baby boy, that is) I vacillate wildly between liking my job OK and loathing it deeply. The stress in this economy is un-imaginable. It does pay the bills though. And well. Because of our divorce arrangement I carry 99.9% of all of the responsibility with my kids financially, spiritually & mentally. It would be easy to become bitter.
But I just can’t. Life is too sweet.
I remember when I was about 32. I kept saying to most people who were close to me, “I feel like I am 50!” I was always so tired & exhausted. Tired & exhausted… redundant, maybe. But I was worn slap out from life. Not anymore. I feel like I am 29, not 39. I am proud of my life. I am providing a great childhood for my kids. They are happy, sweet kids. I am being a good daughter to my aging parents. This life sure ain’t perfect, but it is ours. I love my home (which I bought on my dang own might I add). I love my friends. I am so blessed.
So, I have made a 39th birthday resolution! I am gonna live my life, as much as possible, with NO regrets from here on out. I am gonna write that book everyone keeps encouraging me to write. I am gonna kick butt at work. I am gonna love my parents so much that they have a smile on their faces when they greet St. Peter one day. I am gonna look better at 40 than I have in years! I am gonna raise incredible, successful kids. And if a man happens to find ME this year before I turn 40… lucky him! (She says with tongue in cheek & twinkle in eye)
Life in the skin of a single, middle aged mother is a constant battle of self-esteem. I either think I am awesome & can conquer the world or feel I can do nothing right. The truth is somewhere in between and that is where I want to live. This year & every year from here on out I want to embrace all of it! So 39… BRING IT!
Gulp.
Of course, being the humorist that I am… and seeing a HUGE opportunity to play this up… I said, “What? Ah! Morgan!!!” So she does what most people do when they have inserted foot in mouth. They make it worse. Morgan goes on this long rambling explanation of how, you know, 30 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 40 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 50 year old men like women in their 30’s. Not helping, Morgan. I finally just said to her, “Hey baby… I am HOT for 39 and don’t you forget it!” She giggled herself into silence, thankfully. GEESH!
So this got me to thinking… I could have a lot to be depressed about if I weren’t just so darn happy. I mean… I am still single at 39 after 3 years of divorce. I’m fatter than I have ever been. (Well, since giving birth to a 9lb 9oz baby boy, that is) I vacillate wildly between liking my job OK and loathing it deeply. The stress in this economy is un-imaginable. It does pay the bills though. And well. Because of our divorce arrangement I carry 99.9% of all of the responsibility with my kids financially, spiritually & mentally. It would be easy to become bitter.
But I just can’t. Life is too sweet.
I remember when I was about 32. I kept saying to most people who were close to me, “I feel like I am 50!” I was always so tired & exhausted. Tired & exhausted… redundant, maybe. But I was worn slap out from life. Not anymore. I feel like I am 29, not 39. I am proud of my life. I am providing a great childhood for my kids. They are happy, sweet kids. I am being a good daughter to my aging parents. This life sure ain’t perfect, but it is ours. I love my home (which I bought on my dang own might I add). I love my friends. I am so blessed.
So, I have made a 39th birthday resolution! I am gonna live my life, as much as possible, with NO regrets from here on out. I am gonna write that book everyone keeps encouraging me to write. I am gonna kick butt at work. I am gonna love my parents so much that they have a smile on their faces when they greet St. Peter one day. I am gonna look better at 40 than I have in years! I am gonna raise incredible, successful kids. And if a man happens to find ME this year before I turn 40… lucky him! (She says with tongue in cheek & twinkle in eye)
Life in the skin of a single, middle aged mother is a constant battle of self-esteem. I either think I am awesome & can conquer the world or feel I can do nothing right. The truth is somewhere in between and that is where I want to live. This year & every year from here on out I want to embrace all of it! So 39… BRING IT!
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