When talking to a friend of mine last night about a certain situation, she said to me "This wasn't a loss, Alicia, this was just a lesson." I like that alot. I was thinking about how blessed I am this morning. I have had quite a few "lessons" in my life. That pain produces something beautiful though. I am trusting that all of this will lead to wisdom & compassion & understanding. Feeling pain and disappointment gives great depth to the soul. No more time for shallow aspirations. We learn the importance of deep relationships built on devotion, loyalty & brutal honesty. You learn to take it just like you dish it, which most people can't do. Everyone loves to dish it out... but get offended when it is dished right back. If you're gonna dish it, you need to be able to take it & just move right along.
So what "lessons" have I learned?
1. Life goes on. Always.
2. There are alot of genuinely good people in the world.
3. God is faithful even when I am not.
4. This makes me want to be the most faithful person I can be to others & to Him.
5. Encouragement is all around us if we look for it.
6. What people think of me is insignificant if I know who I am.
7. Hard work pays off.
8. Children are a blessing from God.
9. I know what I know, and can trust my judgment.
10. Having relationships with genuinely good people adds a richness to my life like nothing else.
That's just a few. I am getting ready to move my entire household this weekend. As a single Mom in a town I have lived in for just one year, you would think this would be daunting. But I have almost 8 - 9 men who have volunteered their Saturday to help. Alot of them are from my church and my parent's church. Church to me has never been about the pews and the steeple. It's these people. These people who give of themselves. I have learned the valuable lesson that PEOPLE are most important to me.
So in case I haven't said it enough: I am thankful for you!
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Oh me, oh my... such a silly girl
I am such a silly girl with some silly aspirations. Big or small, I never cease to amaze myself. But I have a friend who over-commits herself quite often (that's you Michelle) and I think she is darn cool, so I am gonna forgive myself & believe I can actually accomplish everything on my plate.
So what has inspired this self realization of silliness??? My orange and yellow and mint-ish puke green kitchen. My kitchen in the house I just bought was this most uncomfortable color of green. It was in between mint and puke green somewhere. I decided it had to go. So I marched into Lowe's this morning buying random rollers, edgers, drops clothes & such. I could tell the paint guy was suspicious that I was a silly girl as I stretched my arms wide & gestured to give example of how big things were while asking "How much paint do you think I will need for that??"
He graciously provided me with the paint he thought appropriate.
So, after work & a disappointing baseball championship, I set to work. I taped and trimmed and spilled and cleaned up until nearly midnight. I have to say the "earthen" colors I chose looked much more, um, earthy on the pamphlet. Perhaps they will dry darker. Right now I have a pumpkin below the chair rail and a field of maize above. And lots of puk-ish mint green all around. I stood back and looked at my handy-work and decided I was doomed.
You see, I am a woman who does not know her limits. Sometimes this serves me well, and other times it destines me for misery. I think I can do everything... until I realize I can't. And then I ask for help. :D
So that's all. Just a silly blog about what a silly girl I have been.
So what has inspired this self realization of silliness??? My orange and yellow and mint-ish puke green kitchen. My kitchen in the house I just bought was this most uncomfortable color of green. It was in between mint and puke green somewhere. I decided it had to go. So I marched into Lowe's this morning buying random rollers, edgers, drops clothes & such. I could tell the paint guy was suspicious that I was a silly girl as I stretched my arms wide & gestured to give example of how big things were while asking "How much paint do you think I will need for that??"
He graciously provided me with the paint he thought appropriate.
So, after work & a disappointing baseball championship, I set to work. I taped and trimmed and spilled and cleaned up until nearly midnight. I have to say the "earthen" colors I chose looked much more, um, earthy on the pamphlet. Perhaps they will dry darker. Right now I have a pumpkin below the chair rail and a field of maize above. And lots of puk-ish mint green all around. I stood back and looked at my handy-work and decided I was doomed.
You see, I am a woman who does not know her limits. Sometimes this serves me well, and other times it destines me for misery. I think I can do everything... until I realize I can't. And then I ask for help. :D
So that's all. Just a silly blog about what a silly girl I have been.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
A glorified trash lady
Well, today I sang one of the songs I wrote many moons ago... for the first time in almost 4 years. If I were really honest, I would admit it was pretty traumatic for me. So... I guess I just did. :)
I can remember the day my ex asked me to give up on what I felt was my calling. We were standing in the kitchen and I had been offered a position as a trash can sales person. It was much more money. I remember saying, "Now, why would I do this?" His reply was, "Well, for the family. To provide for the family." So I did. I walked away from radio. Music. Ministry. Everything. To sell trash cans. I remember my first day at work, training, and riding on a trash truck. I had gone from a small town personality with a growing following to being a sanitation worker. I went to the dump 3 times that day. Nothing quite like that smell. I drank myself to sleep that night and began to spiral.
I remember waking up the next day and saying to God, "I can't do this anymore." I didn't mean working in trash. I meant my marriage. I began to realize that I was willing to do this for my children, but not for him. There had been many, many troubled spots in our married life but this was one of many final straws. Many other areas of his life were spiraling too, but I could not bear it all. I felt like I was going to break. I began begging God to let me out. I pleaded for him to release me from these years of agony. Please have grace on me, God. Please. I begged for weeks as I began to learn how to sell trash service. Finally I heard His voice. He said to me, "Babe, it's the same grace. My grace held you when you struggled to stay in this marriage. It's the same grace that will hold you no matter where you are." It was no glowing affirmation of my deep spirituality, but it was enough. I knew God would not leave me, even if I left my husband. So I did. Grace began to take on new meaning in my life.
Is it fair that God won't leave me even when I chose to do exactly that? No. I chose mercy over justice. I was freely given mercy instead of justice. Did I know, at the same time, that God had seen my years of pain, betrayal, and dire effort to make it all OK and to stay married? Of course I did. I trusted Him with all of it.
But singing that song today caused me to grieve a little. It reminded me of what I walked away from. I was so passionate about music & radio. I loved doing my Sunday morning show. It made me wonder where I could have been today if I had not walked away. But I did.
Life is so complicated. There are parts that are so beautiful I can hardly stand it and then parts that are so vile I can't bear to imagine. The truths I have learned over the past 4 years are in-valuable. The depth with which I know Him can't compare to what I knew before. But I still look around sometimes and shake my head. How does all this fit together? While this music means so much to me, I have changed irrevocably since I wrote it. I ran out of church today as soon as they said AMEN because I didn't want to hear it. All the "that was wonderful"s. "You are so talented" "What a gift you have." It is awkward and odd and it makes me want to run away because I don't know how it fits with who I am today. I have moved on up in the company to become a "Certified Industrial Environmental Consultant" who works with large industries to handle their environmental risks. So now, I am a glorified trash lady. A glorified trash lady who feels the anointing of God when I sing and speak. A trash lady who knows I was created for a purpose larger than myself.
But I have no idea how to get there.
I can remember the day my ex asked me to give up on what I felt was my calling. We were standing in the kitchen and I had been offered a position as a trash can sales person. It was much more money. I remember saying, "Now, why would I do this?" His reply was, "Well, for the family. To provide for the family." So I did. I walked away from radio. Music. Ministry. Everything. To sell trash cans. I remember my first day at work, training, and riding on a trash truck. I had gone from a small town personality with a growing following to being a sanitation worker. I went to the dump 3 times that day. Nothing quite like that smell. I drank myself to sleep that night and began to spiral.
I remember waking up the next day and saying to God, "I can't do this anymore." I didn't mean working in trash. I meant my marriage. I began to realize that I was willing to do this for my children, but not for him. There had been many, many troubled spots in our married life but this was one of many final straws. Many other areas of his life were spiraling too, but I could not bear it all. I felt like I was going to break. I began begging God to let me out. I pleaded for him to release me from these years of agony. Please have grace on me, God. Please. I begged for weeks as I began to learn how to sell trash service. Finally I heard His voice. He said to me, "Babe, it's the same grace. My grace held you when you struggled to stay in this marriage. It's the same grace that will hold you no matter where you are." It was no glowing affirmation of my deep spirituality, but it was enough. I knew God would not leave me, even if I left my husband. So I did. Grace began to take on new meaning in my life.
Is it fair that God won't leave me even when I chose to do exactly that? No. I chose mercy over justice. I was freely given mercy instead of justice. Did I know, at the same time, that God had seen my years of pain, betrayal, and dire effort to make it all OK and to stay married? Of course I did. I trusted Him with all of it.
But singing that song today caused me to grieve a little. It reminded me of what I walked away from. I was so passionate about music & radio. I loved doing my Sunday morning show. It made me wonder where I could have been today if I had not walked away. But I did.
Life is so complicated. There are parts that are so beautiful I can hardly stand it and then parts that are so vile I can't bear to imagine. The truths I have learned over the past 4 years are in-valuable. The depth with which I know Him can't compare to what I knew before. But I still look around sometimes and shake my head. How does all this fit together? While this music means so much to me, I have changed irrevocably since I wrote it. I ran out of church today as soon as they said AMEN because I didn't want to hear it. All the "that was wonderful"s. "You are so talented" "What a gift you have." It is awkward and odd and it makes me want to run away because I don't know how it fits with who I am today. I have moved on up in the company to become a "Certified Industrial Environmental Consultant" who works with large industries to handle their environmental risks. So now, I am a glorified trash lady. A glorified trash lady who feels the anointing of God when I sing and speak. A trash lady who knows I was created for a purpose larger than myself.
But I have no idea how to get there.
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Bridges Un-burned
I have been a fighter all of my life. When I was a little kid the one adjective I can remember my Dad using to describe me was "tough." Not always very lady-like... but true non-the-less.
So I grew up fighting everyone and everything. My brother was a main focus. Cats and dogs, we were. Oil and water. But I fought friends AND enemies. Boys AND girls. Then puberty hit and I became a lover. Always had a boyfriend. Usually long-term. I loved to be loved. Who doesn't, really? But the fighting stopped altogether. My heart had a new facet that had been opened and it over-rode the harsh fighter in me. It was still lurking inside though.
Fast forward to the present. When I started into the corporate business world about 4 years ago, my life was in shambles. My marriage was practically over after 14 years of loving & fighting, forgiveness & betrayal, mercy & judgment. I had a successful radio ministry that I had to walk away from. I wrote inspirational & humorous columns for the newspaper on a regular basis. I walked away from being a DJ on radio, which I loved, and pursuing music as a profession which was my passion. I walked away from everything I loved to provide for my very heart, my children. So I came in swinging. Defensive. Hyper-Aggressive. While it wasn't always pretty, godly, or correct... it was successful in business. But I almost burned some bridges down in the process. It is always better to build allies than to make enemies & I hadn't learned that yet.
Three year into my new life, I have learned that in all aspects of life, sometimes the best bridges are the ones left un-burned. Relationships, both in business & personal, need great amounts of patience, tolerance and forgiveness. Sometimes when you think it is too late for a relationship to be salvaged, it somehow turns into exactly what you had hoped for. I have seen it in my friend's marriage. I have seen it in business.
So when that hard relationship seems to be teetering on the brink of total annihilation, I take a step back. I look over that bridge really hard. It may connect me to other things on the other side that I still need and want to have in my life. What's the use in burning it down? I can always just walk away and leave it un-burned. Who knows when it might end up leading to the other side of all this struggle and into a place of new peace? Why shut down the possibilities?
Sometimes the best bridges are those left un-burned.
So I grew up fighting everyone and everything. My brother was a main focus. Cats and dogs, we were. Oil and water. But I fought friends AND enemies. Boys AND girls. Then puberty hit and I became a lover. Always had a boyfriend. Usually long-term. I loved to be loved. Who doesn't, really? But the fighting stopped altogether. My heart had a new facet that had been opened and it over-rode the harsh fighter in me. It was still lurking inside though.
Fast forward to the present. When I started into the corporate business world about 4 years ago, my life was in shambles. My marriage was practically over after 14 years of loving & fighting, forgiveness & betrayal, mercy & judgment. I had a successful radio ministry that I had to walk away from. I wrote inspirational & humorous columns for the newspaper on a regular basis. I walked away from being a DJ on radio, which I loved, and pursuing music as a profession which was my passion. I walked away from everything I loved to provide for my very heart, my children. So I came in swinging. Defensive. Hyper-Aggressive. While it wasn't always pretty, godly, or correct... it was successful in business. But I almost burned some bridges down in the process. It is always better to build allies than to make enemies & I hadn't learned that yet.
Three year into my new life, I have learned that in all aspects of life, sometimes the best bridges are the ones left un-burned. Relationships, both in business & personal, need great amounts of patience, tolerance and forgiveness. Sometimes when you think it is too late for a relationship to be salvaged, it somehow turns into exactly what you had hoped for. I have seen it in my friend's marriage. I have seen it in business.
So when that hard relationship seems to be teetering on the brink of total annihilation, I take a step back. I look over that bridge really hard. It may connect me to other things on the other side that I still need and want to have in my life. What's the use in burning it down? I can always just walk away and leave it un-burned. Who knows when it might end up leading to the other side of all this struggle and into a place of new peace? Why shut down the possibilities?
Sometimes the best bridges are those left un-burned.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I'm so proud of us!
I am so proud of my family. My son brought home his final report card: All A's. My daughter, who has been teetering on the brink of destruction all year, came home with hers as well: All B's. Can I just insert a hearty YIPPEEEEEEE right here? It was such a group effort for me to be as successful at work as I have been, which enabled us to buy our house. Life is only looking up.
I was talking to a dear friend today over lunch and I realized I have been going through a "Woe is Me" period. When I moved back into the middle of no-where a year ago, I did it for everyone else but me. I did it because my kids needed to be closer to their Dad. I did it because my parents needed me. I think last summer may have been a rock bottom for me. I didn't know anyone. The kids were gone to their Dad's for the summer. While this all sounds very self-less, which is not my first nature, I began to grow resentment. Even though I chose this course, I resented parts of it. I knew if my kids were going to stay in close proximity to their Dad, I had to move back closer to where he lived. So... he became the perfect person to blame for all the woes of the world. So I moaned and wailed and whined about how un-fair life is. And all the time my pretty little life began to blossom anyway.
While I was walking through the valley of Woe is Me, my work prospered to the point that I had enough savings to make a down payment on a house. Even in this market. My children found great friends. I remembered why I loved this place so much when I was growing up. I made friends. I connected with my faith again in a new and fresh way. I began to love music again. I began to feel again. I began to write again. Music and writing have been dead in me for almost 3 years. And now it is all being re-born to a better place. A new place. A prosperous place.
I know this last year has not been an attractive time to be my friend. I'm sure that is why I have repeled men as well! It has just been messy. Ugly. Frustrating. It has taken patience and tolerance. I have felt, and said, for the last 2 years that I see the tide turning in my life. I think it is time to ride that wave. The first half of my life was filled with struggle and I paid into it. I invested heavily in being the person I felt I should be despite my struggles. I believe that now I am seeing the fruit. I was reminded the other day that whatever you sow you will reap. You won't necessarily reap it right away though and it won't be in the same proportion that you sowed. If you plant a kernal of corn you will wait quite a while before it is ready to harvest. And when you harvest it you will reap a whole stalk with multiple ears that have multiple kernals. What you sow multiplies. So what you sow you will reap later and you will reap in abundance.
So I am proud of what we have accomplished together. My kids are my partners in crime and I am so proud of all of us.
Wait... doesn't the Bible say something about pride comes before the fall?? Uh oh.
:)))))
I was talking to a dear friend today over lunch and I realized I have been going through a "Woe is Me" period. When I moved back into the middle of no-where a year ago, I did it for everyone else but me. I did it because my kids needed to be closer to their Dad. I did it because my parents needed me. I think last summer may have been a rock bottom for me. I didn't know anyone. The kids were gone to their Dad's for the summer. While this all sounds very self-less, which is not my first nature, I began to grow resentment. Even though I chose this course, I resented parts of it. I knew if my kids were going to stay in close proximity to their Dad, I had to move back closer to where he lived. So... he became the perfect person to blame for all the woes of the world. So I moaned and wailed and whined about how un-fair life is. And all the time my pretty little life began to blossom anyway.
While I was walking through the valley of Woe is Me, my work prospered to the point that I had enough savings to make a down payment on a house. Even in this market. My children found great friends. I remembered why I loved this place so much when I was growing up. I made friends. I connected with my faith again in a new and fresh way. I began to love music again. I began to feel again. I began to write again. Music and writing have been dead in me for almost 3 years. And now it is all being re-born to a better place. A new place. A prosperous place.
I know this last year has not been an attractive time to be my friend. I'm sure that is why I have repeled men as well! It has just been messy. Ugly. Frustrating. It has taken patience and tolerance. I have felt, and said, for the last 2 years that I see the tide turning in my life. I think it is time to ride that wave. The first half of my life was filled with struggle and I paid into it. I invested heavily in being the person I felt I should be despite my struggles. I believe that now I am seeing the fruit. I was reminded the other day that whatever you sow you will reap. You won't necessarily reap it right away though and it won't be in the same proportion that you sowed. If you plant a kernal of corn you will wait quite a while before it is ready to harvest. And when you harvest it you will reap a whole stalk with multiple ears that have multiple kernals. What you sow multiplies. So what you sow you will reap later and you will reap in abundance.
So I am proud of what we have accomplished together. My kids are my partners in crime and I am so proud of all of us.
Wait... doesn't the Bible say something about pride comes before the fall?? Uh oh.
:)))))
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Overwhelming Overwhelmed-ness
Have you ever had waves flush over you of just overwhelming... overwhelmed-ness? I look around this house of mine. Dirty clothes everywhere. A kitchen that frightens me. Children who make a mess at every turn. Things thrown around from baseball, the end of school, guitar class, etc. And then I realize how under prepared I am to move.
I close on my house this Thursday. OMG. That is the day after tomorrow. I am so happy. And so scared. And so overwhelmed. And so excited. We will be swimming in our very own pool by a week from Friday. What a blessed woman I am.
My Dad goes in for a consultation with the surgeon who will operate on his carotid artery the same day I close on my house. His surgery will most likely be during the two weeks I will be moving. I am steeling myself for that as well. He has a terrible reaction to the anesthesia in which he becomes combative and has been restrained in his bed for three days at a time. Mom & I have to rotate shifts caring for him because it is so challenging. He is soooo worth it though. I have been incredibly blessed with amazing parents.
I need to keep telling myself that I am strong enough to do all of this. I am, right? Right? Let's hope so.
But here I sit, procrastinating. Feeling nervous. Feeling scared. Blogging to you when I should be packing boxes. I think I can, I think I can. Now if I can overcome this overwhelmed-ness I will survive and live and see my father live to be 100 and swim in my pool until then.
Fingers crossed.
I close on my house this Thursday. OMG. That is the day after tomorrow. I am so happy. And so scared. And so overwhelmed. And so excited. We will be swimming in our very own pool by a week from Friday. What a blessed woman I am.
My Dad goes in for a consultation with the surgeon who will operate on his carotid artery the same day I close on my house. His surgery will most likely be during the two weeks I will be moving. I am steeling myself for that as well. He has a terrible reaction to the anesthesia in which he becomes combative and has been restrained in his bed for three days at a time. Mom & I have to rotate shifts caring for him because it is so challenging. He is soooo worth it though. I have been incredibly blessed with amazing parents.
I need to keep telling myself that I am strong enough to do all of this. I am, right? Right? Let's hope so.
But here I sit, procrastinating. Feeling nervous. Feeling scared. Blogging to you when I should be packing boxes. I think I can, I think I can. Now if I can overcome this overwhelmed-ness I will survive and live and see my father live to be 100 and swim in my pool until then.
Fingers crossed.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Importance of Setting Goals
I was thinking, as I was sitting on the sunny, beautiful Jacksonville Beach this weekend, that I need to remember my goals. Sometimes one little piece of the puzzle can make you lose sight of your bigger goals in life.
When I began to recall my short term goals... and then my long term goals, I remembered that I am pretty much on track. So let's define short term goals as 1 - 3 years. I set my short term goals about two months after my divorce which was about 2 years and 8 months ago. My goals were to 1) Advance at work so I can provide a good childhood for my children 2) Buy a nice home for them to grow up in 3) Make sure I arrange life so I can spend as much time with them as possible 4) Have a long-term boyfriend/or husband (preferrably).
Hahaha. It was funny looking back at my goals. My kids are central for sure. So, to items 1, 2, and 3 I can say check, check AND check. Not too shabby. #4 is a big bust though. Three out of four ain't bad.
So I have been bugging, right? Men truly leave me at a loss. But this weekend I realized that I am not anyone's plaything. I am a strong, pretty, smart woman who can live with or without a man. I can go toe to toe with any man in business but when it comes to matters of the heart I have been an absolute wimpy girl. Whimpering, whiney, baby girl. That's me.
But the heart ain't having that business mixed with it. I trust my judgment in business almost across the board. In matters of the heart I second guess myself at every turn. I realized that I trust what I know. I trust who I am, who I have become. I made massive mistakes in the past but for all the right reasons. I believed in God's love and mercy. I still do. I believed people can change. I still do. I believed that God is a just God. I still do. However, mistakes are mistakes and we must learn from them. Move on past them.
Now I have life experience to mix with this potent equation of faith. I am sure I may stumble another time or two, but I know God will shore me up and make my path true and straight.
So this is me... stepping on. His plans are higher than mine. I am soooo thankful He has honored what plans I have made and I can't wait to see what He might have planned for me from here.
When I began to recall my short term goals... and then my long term goals, I remembered that I am pretty much on track. So let's define short term goals as 1 - 3 years. I set my short term goals about two months after my divorce which was about 2 years and 8 months ago. My goals were to 1) Advance at work so I can provide a good childhood for my children 2) Buy a nice home for them to grow up in 3) Make sure I arrange life so I can spend as much time with them as possible 4) Have a long-term boyfriend/or husband (preferrably).
Hahaha. It was funny looking back at my goals. My kids are central for sure. So, to items 1, 2, and 3 I can say check, check AND check. Not too shabby. #4 is a big bust though. Three out of four ain't bad.
So I have been bugging, right? Men truly leave me at a loss. But this weekend I realized that I am not anyone's plaything. I am a strong, pretty, smart woman who can live with or without a man. I can go toe to toe with any man in business but when it comes to matters of the heart I have been an absolute wimpy girl. Whimpering, whiney, baby girl. That's me.
But the heart ain't having that business mixed with it. I trust my judgment in business almost across the board. In matters of the heart I second guess myself at every turn. I realized that I trust what I know. I trust who I am, who I have become. I made massive mistakes in the past but for all the right reasons. I believed in God's love and mercy. I still do. I believed people can change. I still do. I believed that God is a just God. I still do. However, mistakes are mistakes and we must learn from them. Move on past them.
Now I have life experience to mix with this potent equation of faith. I am sure I may stumble another time or two, but I know God will shore me up and make my path true and straight.
So this is me... stepping on. His plans are higher than mine. I am soooo thankful He has honored what plans I have made and I can't wait to see what He might have planned for me from here.
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