A little bloggy blog

I feel like being sentimental today but am not sure I have the chops for it. But I can laugh at how ridiculously pitiful my life has been over the past few weeks. What else can you do sometimes?

It always happens that way in my life. When it rains it becomes a monsoon that blows the little pig's house down that leaves the piggy squealing "Are you the big bad wolf, Oh God??? Do You want to consume me??" Well, the answer would be "yes" ultimately, God does want to consume me, as un-palletable as I am. He is so persistent that way. It can be quite annoying. I don't think He really had anything to do with most of the story to follow... it's just the way life is sometimes. But He will use it. No doubt.

So, I moaned and wailed about having the flu, right? Well, once I came out of my four day stupor of being bed ridden with that, I actually realized I had let my children slip into a very unsympathetic, spoiled & selfish existence in our home. I just do way too much for them. All throughout my illness they were pretty demanding of me and unhelpful as I was needing some support. They are 12 & almost 10. Well able to help out around the house. So the week after I got better, I went on boycott. They did all the laundry, dishes & chores for a whole week as a lesson about helping out when Mom is feeling bad... or just in general. We have now re-adjusted to doing the chores as a group effort, so ultimately I think this was good for my kids. Spoiled kids are no good.

So then I started coughing. Hacked & hacked. But I started back running again. The day I made it back up to 3 miles without stopping, I broke a rib. It was hurting that day but three days later I was in serious pain. A chest x-ray showed that the cartilage had broken away from the bone on one of the ribs in the center section of the chest. Blood was pooling up around it & causing pain & inflamation. It was caused by all the coughing. Can you believe that? Ugh. So the Doc gave me great meds that helped with the pain alot. It's gonna take 6 weeks to heal though. Bummer, huh?

I went on a business trip to Orlando anyway, all doped up. The morning of my business meeting I decided to go run. I ordered room service for 9am, took my meds & then ran at 8am. 3 miles on Hydrocodone was a breeze! Didn't feel a thing! However, by 9:30 am I was paying homage to the porcelain god who wanted to reclaim my breakfast. I continued my trail of vomit throughout the trip. Just before my meeting, sitting in the lobby waiting, I had to make a mad dash for the ladies room to pay homage once again. I made it through the meeting but gave the porcelain god accolades once again afterwards in the same ladies room. One more salute on the side of the Turn Pike at a toll booth and my trail of vomit was coming to a close. It was all very sexy. I finally got to my destination & felt good enough to go out and have fun with some friends last night, so that was a nice ending to an awful day.

I have made it through all of that to say this: "Eat before you take pain medicine" and "Life goes on!"

That's about as much sentiment as I can muster right now. I am sure you feel my sentiments in the story though! :))

Hope you all have a good weekend!

What I hate about...

I could name quite a few things I hate about being divorced. Having all the responsibility of parenthood to myself. Being lonely for adult companionship. I don't fit into the married world around me AT ALL. All of that sucks.

I think the thing I hate the most, though, is dating. I hate the nervousness. I hate the way it never seems to match up. It is either... I like them & they don't like me that much... or they like me & I don't like them. Grrr. What a royal pain. Not to mention the psychos & weirdos out there these days.

OH! And the "no sex" part of being single. Geesh. That's a bummer.

I don't regret the divorce. My sanity was a small price to pay for living with these proverbial thorns in my flesh. There was nothing easy about my life before divorce & there is nothing easy about it now. It is much better in some ways. More peaceful. More prosperous. Less drama. Less emotional distress. I need to make a T-shirt about life, though. It would read: NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT!

However, it is so hard not to hate men. I have always tried to be reasonable & not generalize any class of people. But the more I date, as a world wise adult female, the more I just think men in general are morons. Or at least the ones I have been out with. I may never re-marry. I can't tolerate even the slightest about of bull, anymore, or I am walking out the door. It's all just too much work. It exhausts me more than anything else in my life. Work exhausts me. My schedule exhausts me. But... there is something special about the exhaustion obtained in allowing myself to "hope" that something good is starting only to once again be disappointed. It is so, so draining.

Amid all of my angst, I do not know how to balance my desire to NOT be alone anymore with the reality that I may always be alone in this lifetime. I know God is with me. But according to my Bible He ain't putting on skin again. And there is nothing quite like the human touch. The feel of skin on skin. The warmth of a bear hug. The brush of a cheek from someone who makes your heart flutter. The love that can be sensed through holding someone's hand or even touching their arm.

It's magical and deceptive all at the same time. It's practical and sometimes so elusive. But this is where I am forced to walk. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere in relation to love. It is not mine to hold, yet. My chance may have passed. I've decided that I need to live my life as if I will never re-marry and then be pleasantly surprised if I actually do meet someone. But all it takes is one flirt & I am hoping away for something more in a sad & desperate kind of futility.

So I slap myself around for being idealistic once again & try to snap back to reality. There is laundry to do. Dishes to wash. Kids to raise. Work to do. Who has time for dating anyway... but wait... was he firting with me????

So the cycle goes.