Talking to no one and everyone at the same time

When I don’t know who to talk to, I blog. That way I can talk to everyone and no one at the same time. I want life to be simple again but I am afraid there is no going back. When I think about it, I am not sure it ever was. I think I was just more ignorant of the complications.

Work is increasingly complicated being in the business world with the economy the way it is. Stress galore. Huge projects in my lap. Earnings off by almost $200k in the first quarter in my department alone, so far. Ugh. It’s gonna be a long year.

Raising kids in these days and times is no simple matter either.

Relations with my ex are super stressful as his remarriage approaches in less than a month. No matter how I feel about any of it I am powerless to change it. I should be happy that he is marrying someone his family and the kids like so much. I do think she is a stabilizing effect on him & I am grateful for that. I just can’t get past the whole 13 year age difference thing and that they both are going into their 3rd marriages. Besides a couple of deeper concerns I have for the over-all situation. She is 32 and going on her 3rd marriage. I mean… how many divorces will my children have to endure? And people say things to me like “Oh I have heard the 3rd one is the charm!” Well, statistics say they have a 20% chance of making it. So how do I prep my kids? All I know to do is give them the facts, tell them that nothing will change their Dad’s love for them & hope for the best. On a personal level, are the deep wonderings of “Why?” Why could he never love me like that? Why was I never important enough for him to straighten up for? He admittedly says he learned from his mistakes with me… but that sucks. I had to endure the crap so she gets a great husband? Someone shoot me now! And then there is the underlying question: What’s wrong with ME? Why am I still alone? I was not the one who lied, cheated & stole. But yet he is rewarded for his actions by this? And I am potentially doomed to be alone forever? Where is the justice of God in this world? I so rarely see it. There just are no answers for these questions. But there is the daily reality of trying to be a big person about it all and trying to keep things healthy for my kids. I will be alone while the kids go off with them to be in the mountain top wedding by a bubbling waterfall. Precious. They will be gone for 6 whole days. I know I will feel utterly alone. And then when they return, after my days in exile, I will have to smile and pretend to be interested as they bubble over at the fun of it all. I will hide my tears and mourning and listen quietly and pretend to be happy for them. This pity party is a bottomless pit as you can see.

There is a bright spot to my story though. I am building a house. It will be in the same spot my Great Grandmother’s house was located. There are two Camellia bushes in the yard that are probably 8 feet tall and about 80 years old. I have always loved Camellias. My Great Grandmother planted them herself. Very cool. And the two room house my Dad was born in during the 1920’s is about 100 feet away. There is nothing more comforting than to be surrounded by heritage during times like this. Building a house is no stress free walk in the park but at least it is positive.

So that is my public pity party. Just pray for me if you think of me. I am trying to be strong but I get tired of it.