I’m kinda sad tonight. I just look all around me & get sad at how many people are so “done” with church. The truth is… I have a hard time making sense of it all and don’t often blame them & sometimes wish I could just walk away too. After 14 years of being unhappily married to a minister & going through tremendous years of church deceit and corruption… over & over… having it done to me personally & seeing it externally… at every level of church involvement… I cannot say that many people in my shoes would still be attending church either. Two of my best friends, who I met in church, really don’t believe anymore. Neither attend. Well, one of them gets paid to attend as a musician. So it is a job. They have been pushed away enough to either just not care or to try to think God out of existence. I just have to wonder what would have happened to their faith if Christians had just acted like they should have in the first place. But that never happens, does it?
Sometimes I feel my own Christianity has become something of a lame duck. My life is a messy place spiritually. I just survive from day to day and soak in the moments of joy that come my way. I don’t pretend to be Holy cause there ain’t no hiding this hot mess. I genuinely am not sure that church is a safe place for people who are hurting & looking for God in His truest form but there are few other options out there. I have trouble finding Him in the rituals & traditions. I get bored with the adherence to old ways. I have found God to be true and real in my life too many times to ever lose faith completely… but I have a family history that supports the good consequences of living a godly life. So I have more evidence, personally, that it works. My parents have just been genuinely good people who love God. Their life together is simple & beautiful to me. There are genuinely good people who live lives of compassion and kindness yet have no relationship to God at all… and their lives are beautiful as well. It can all get confusing.
I just know that I believe. I believe that Christianity is a way of life I can never leave. It is about being kind. Loving others. Serving others. Caring for the hurting. Trying every day to be a better person than I was the day before. Learning from my mistakes & moving forward with life. I will never be in ministry again, most likely, because my lifestyle is a bit of a mess. I don’t want to try to be something I am not… but even in the middle of my messy life I know that God is real. I know He can be found in here somewhere because I know He is here. It’s all confusing but somehow I just know. It’s not a question. I may not be able to figure every detail out… but I know Him. He knows me. That’s all I need to know in the end.
The rest I have to trust to God. It makes me sad to see my friends hurt or endlessly searching for something that makes sense in a very confusing, often times corrupt church landscape. I cannot make it better though. All I can do is live in my little piece of this life & love them as they live out theirs. It’s my job to let God be God & humans be human and not confuse the two. It's my job to love no matter what. So I will try. I will try.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
I'm too sexy for my mower... to sexy for my mow - er - bay - bee - yeah!
So... if you haven't noticed... my life is hectic. I am here. I am there. I am nowhere... all at one time. I love the fullness of my life. I am so glad I have all this meaningful stuff happening to me. But mowing my lawn on Friday night from 7 - 8:30pm is not so sexy. So I am riding in circles thinking, " I am too sexy for this mower." Think positive, right? My neighbors know exactly how UN-sexy I was. I hope they don't tell.
I honestly didn't think I had enough gas. I have bitten off a little more life than I think I can chew sometimes. I checked the little red gas can I have & it had a little gas in the bottom. Dang it. If it had been empty I woulda said, "Oh... it can wait until tomorrow." But NOOOOOO. I had to fill the tank & see if I could make it through the whole yard. But not before I had cooked dinner & swam with the kids.
You see... I thought I would get off work early tonight because I had worked so hard all week long. But, because of random circumstances I ended up working until 6:45pm on Friday night on various random things that came up in the Environmental Management world... as I was trying to cook a fab dinner for myself & the kids.
You see... I am generally a scallop purist. I love scallops with just garlic, salt, pepper & butter... seared to perfection on each side. But I read this crazy recipe the other day with Ritz Crackers as a coating and Olive Oil. It sounded just weird enough to be yummy & I wanted to have some of that. So I tried to sneak to the grocery store today in my frumpy clothes, no make-up & un-washed hair... to get my supplies & got busted by one of the most gorgeous friends I have (you Gaye) and then all hell broke loose with work. At one point our VP was emailing me pissed off. It was about 6pm by then. My scallops were coated & searing beautifully. I managed to appease my VP while searing my scallops to perfection, preparing lemon-garlic angel hair pasta & serving everything to the family. My kids actually ate it!!! YUM-EEE! So we swam after that & it was time to mow.
When I look at my yard... I realize I need a man. I do try to manage it. It overwhelms me though. The previous owners were yard people. I bought the house for the beautiful back yard with the pool in it. The house itself is a little awkward. The rooms are shaped weird & they have an unfortunate sort of country vibe. But you can see the potential, ya know? But now something has gone wrong in the back yard. There is an odor I cannot pin down. It is unpleasant. It may be the Coi pond I cannot maintain... or the weeds I cannot maintain... or the water tower next door... or a rodent that has deceased under the deck... I just don't know. But it is going to take alot of energy to eliminate it, whatever it is. So... I mowed instead.
I can ride in circles in my UN-sexy way & pretend the rest doesn't exist. Until tomorrow.
I will hunt down & eliminate the odor if at all possible... tomorrow.
I am definitely TOO sexy for all of this. RIGHT?
Ugh. G'Night!
I honestly didn't think I had enough gas. I have bitten off a little more life than I think I can chew sometimes. I checked the little red gas can I have & it had a little gas in the bottom. Dang it. If it had been empty I woulda said, "Oh... it can wait until tomorrow." But NOOOOOO. I had to fill the tank & see if I could make it through the whole yard. But not before I had cooked dinner & swam with the kids.
You see... I thought I would get off work early tonight because I had worked so hard all week long. But, because of random circumstances I ended up working until 6:45pm on Friday night on various random things that came up in the Environmental Management world... as I was trying to cook a fab dinner for myself & the kids.
You see... I am generally a scallop purist. I love scallops with just garlic, salt, pepper & butter... seared to perfection on each side. But I read this crazy recipe the other day with Ritz Crackers as a coating and Olive Oil. It sounded just weird enough to be yummy & I wanted to have some of that. So I tried to sneak to the grocery store today in my frumpy clothes, no make-up & un-washed hair... to get my supplies & got busted by one of the most gorgeous friends I have (you Gaye) and then all hell broke loose with work. At one point our VP was emailing me pissed off. It was about 6pm by then. My scallops were coated & searing beautifully. I managed to appease my VP while searing my scallops to perfection, preparing lemon-garlic angel hair pasta & serving everything to the family. My kids actually ate it!!! YUM-EEE! So we swam after that & it was time to mow.
When I look at my yard... I realize I need a man. I do try to manage it. It overwhelms me though. The previous owners were yard people. I bought the house for the beautiful back yard with the pool in it. The house itself is a little awkward. The rooms are shaped weird & they have an unfortunate sort of country vibe. But you can see the potential, ya know? But now something has gone wrong in the back yard. There is an odor I cannot pin down. It is unpleasant. It may be the Coi pond I cannot maintain... or the weeds I cannot maintain... or the water tower next door... or a rodent that has deceased under the deck... I just don't know. But it is going to take alot of energy to eliminate it, whatever it is. So... I mowed instead.
I can ride in circles in my UN-sexy way & pretend the rest doesn't exist. Until tomorrow.
I will hunt down & eliminate the odor if at all possible... tomorrow.
I am definitely TOO sexy for all of this. RIGHT?
Ugh. G'Night!
Thursday, August 20, 2009
A blog has been brewing...
I think this blog started brewing when my daughter found out I would be 39 this year. She said to me, in a very distressed tone, “Oh NO Mom! That means you only have one more year to find a man!”
Gulp.
Of course, being the humorist that I am… and seeing a HUGE opportunity to play this up… I said, “What? Ah! Morgan!!!” So she does what most people do when they have inserted foot in mouth. They make it worse. Morgan goes on this long rambling explanation of how, you know, 30 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 40 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 50 year old men like women in their 30’s. Not helping, Morgan. I finally just said to her, “Hey baby… I am HOT for 39 and don’t you forget it!” She giggled herself into silence, thankfully. GEESH!
So this got me to thinking… I could have a lot to be depressed about if I weren’t just so darn happy. I mean… I am still single at 39 after 3 years of divorce. I’m fatter than I have ever been. (Well, since giving birth to a 9lb 9oz baby boy, that is) I vacillate wildly between liking my job OK and loathing it deeply. The stress in this economy is un-imaginable. It does pay the bills though. And well. Because of our divorce arrangement I carry 99.9% of all of the responsibility with my kids financially, spiritually & mentally. It would be easy to become bitter.
But I just can’t. Life is too sweet.
I remember when I was about 32. I kept saying to most people who were close to me, “I feel like I am 50!” I was always so tired & exhausted. Tired & exhausted… redundant, maybe. But I was worn slap out from life. Not anymore. I feel like I am 29, not 39. I am proud of my life. I am providing a great childhood for my kids. They are happy, sweet kids. I am being a good daughter to my aging parents. This life sure ain’t perfect, but it is ours. I love my home (which I bought on my dang own might I add). I love my friends. I am so blessed.
So, I have made a 39th birthday resolution! I am gonna live my life, as much as possible, with NO regrets from here on out. I am gonna write that book everyone keeps encouraging me to write. I am gonna kick butt at work. I am gonna love my parents so much that they have a smile on their faces when they greet St. Peter one day. I am gonna look better at 40 than I have in years! I am gonna raise incredible, successful kids. And if a man happens to find ME this year before I turn 40… lucky him! (She says with tongue in cheek & twinkle in eye)
Life in the skin of a single, middle aged mother is a constant battle of self-esteem. I either think I am awesome & can conquer the world or feel I can do nothing right. The truth is somewhere in between and that is where I want to live. This year & every year from here on out I want to embrace all of it! So 39… BRING IT!
Gulp.
Of course, being the humorist that I am… and seeing a HUGE opportunity to play this up… I said, “What? Ah! Morgan!!!” So she does what most people do when they have inserted foot in mouth. They make it worse. Morgan goes on this long rambling explanation of how, you know, 30 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 40 year old men like women in their 30’s… & 50 year old men like women in their 30’s. Not helping, Morgan. I finally just said to her, “Hey baby… I am HOT for 39 and don’t you forget it!” She giggled herself into silence, thankfully. GEESH!
So this got me to thinking… I could have a lot to be depressed about if I weren’t just so darn happy. I mean… I am still single at 39 after 3 years of divorce. I’m fatter than I have ever been. (Well, since giving birth to a 9lb 9oz baby boy, that is) I vacillate wildly between liking my job OK and loathing it deeply. The stress in this economy is un-imaginable. It does pay the bills though. And well. Because of our divorce arrangement I carry 99.9% of all of the responsibility with my kids financially, spiritually & mentally. It would be easy to become bitter.
But I just can’t. Life is too sweet.
I remember when I was about 32. I kept saying to most people who were close to me, “I feel like I am 50!” I was always so tired & exhausted. Tired & exhausted… redundant, maybe. But I was worn slap out from life. Not anymore. I feel like I am 29, not 39. I am proud of my life. I am providing a great childhood for my kids. They are happy, sweet kids. I am being a good daughter to my aging parents. This life sure ain’t perfect, but it is ours. I love my home (which I bought on my dang own might I add). I love my friends. I am so blessed.
So, I have made a 39th birthday resolution! I am gonna live my life, as much as possible, with NO regrets from here on out. I am gonna write that book everyone keeps encouraging me to write. I am gonna kick butt at work. I am gonna love my parents so much that they have a smile on their faces when they greet St. Peter one day. I am gonna look better at 40 than I have in years! I am gonna raise incredible, successful kids. And if a man happens to find ME this year before I turn 40… lucky him! (She says with tongue in cheek & twinkle in eye)
Life in the skin of a single, middle aged mother is a constant battle of self-esteem. I either think I am awesome & can conquer the world or feel I can do nothing right. The truth is somewhere in between and that is where I want to live. This year & every year from here on out I want to embrace all of it! So 39… BRING IT!
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