Well, today I sang one of the songs I wrote many moons ago... for the first time in almost 4 years. If I were really honest, I would admit it was pretty traumatic for me. So... I guess I just did. :)
I can remember the day my ex asked me to give up on what I felt was my calling. We were standing in the kitchen and I had been offered a position as a trash can sales person. It was much more money. I remember saying, "Now, why would I do this?" His reply was, "Well, for the family. To provide for the family." So I did. I walked away from radio. Music. Ministry. Everything. To sell trash cans. I remember my first day at work, training, and riding on a trash truck. I had gone from a small town personality with a growing following to being a sanitation worker. I went to the dump 3 times that day. Nothing quite like that smell. I drank myself to sleep that night and began to spiral.
I remember waking up the next day and saying to God, "I can't do this anymore." I didn't mean working in trash. I meant my marriage. I began to realize that I was willing to do this for my children, but not for him. There had been many, many troubled spots in our married life but this was one of many final straws. Many other areas of his life were spiraling too, but I could not bear it all. I felt like I was going to break. I began begging God to let me out. I pleaded for him to release me from these years of agony. Please have grace on me, God. Please. I begged for weeks as I began to learn how to sell trash service. Finally I heard His voice. He said to me, "Babe, it's the same grace. My grace held you when you struggled to stay in this marriage. It's the same grace that will hold you no matter where you are." It was no glowing affirmation of my deep spirituality, but it was enough. I knew God would not leave me, even if I left my husband. So I did. Grace began to take on new meaning in my life.
Is it fair that God won't leave me even when I chose to do exactly that? No. I chose mercy over justice. I was freely given mercy instead of justice. Did I know, at the same time, that God had seen my years of pain, betrayal, and dire effort to make it all OK and to stay married? Of course I did. I trusted Him with all of it.
But singing that song today caused me to grieve a little. It reminded me of what I walked away from. I was so passionate about music & radio. I loved doing my Sunday morning show. It made me wonder where I could have been today if I had not walked away. But I did.
Life is so complicated. There are parts that are so beautiful I can hardly stand it and then parts that are so vile I can't bear to imagine. The truths I have learned over the past 4 years are in-valuable. The depth with which I know Him can't compare to what I knew before. But I still look around sometimes and shake my head. How does all this fit together? While this music means so much to me, I have changed irrevocably since I wrote it. I ran out of church today as soon as they said AMEN because I didn't want to hear it. All the "that was wonderful"s. "You are so talented" "What a gift you have." It is awkward and odd and it makes me want to run away because I don't know how it fits with who I am today. I have moved on up in the company to become a "Certified Industrial Environmental Consultant" who works with large industries to handle their environmental risks. So now, I am a glorified trash lady. A glorified trash lady who feels the anointing of God when I sing and speak. A trash lady who knows I was created for a purpose larger than myself.
But I have no idea how to get there.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Bridges Un-burned
I have been a fighter all of my life. When I was a little kid the one adjective I can remember my Dad using to describe me was "tough." Not always very lady-like... but true non-the-less.
So I grew up fighting everyone and everything. My brother was a main focus. Cats and dogs, we were. Oil and water. But I fought friends AND enemies. Boys AND girls. Then puberty hit and I became a lover. Always had a boyfriend. Usually long-term. I loved to be loved. Who doesn't, really? But the fighting stopped altogether. My heart had a new facet that had been opened and it over-rode the harsh fighter in me. It was still lurking inside though.
Fast forward to the present. When I started into the corporate business world about 4 years ago, my life was in shambles. My marriage was practically over after 14 years of loving & fighting, forgiveness & betrayal, mercy & judgment. I had a successful radio ministry that I had to walk away from. I wrote inspirational & humorous columns for the newspaper on a regular basis. I walked away from being a DJ on radio, which I loved, and pursuing music as a profession which was my passion. I walked away from everything I loved to provide for my very heart, my children. So I came in swinging. Defensive. Hyper-Aggressive. While it wasn't always pretty, godly, or correct... it was successful in business. But I almost burned some bridges down in the process. It is always better to build allies than to make enemies & I hadn't learned that yet.
Three year into my new life, I have learned that in all aspects of life, sometimes the best bridges are the ones left un-burned. Relationships, both in business & personal, need great amounts of patience, tolerance and forgiveness. Sometimes when you think it is too late for a relationship to be salvaged, it somehow turns into exactly what you had hoped for. I have seen it in my friend's marriage. I have seen it in business.
So when that hard relationship seems to be teetering on the brink of total annihilation, I take a step back. I look over that bridge really hard. It may connect me to other things on the other side that I still need and want to have in my life. What's the use in burning it down? I can always just walk away and leave it un-burned. Who knows when it might end up leading to the other side of all this struggle and into a place of new peace? Why shut down the possibilities?
Sometimes the best bridges are those left un-burned.
So I grew up fighting everyone and everything. My brother was a main focus. Cats and dogs, we were. Oil and water. But I fought friends AND enemies. Boys AND girls. Then puberty hit and I became a lover. Always had a boyfriend. Usually long-term. I loved to be loved. Who doesn't, really? But the fighting stopped altogether. My heart had a new facet that had been opened and it over-rode the harsh fighter in me. It was still lurking inside though.
Fast forward to the present. When I started into the corporate business world about 4 years ago, my life was in shambles. My marriage was practically over after 14 years of loving & fighting, forgiveness & betrayal, mercy & judgment. I had a successful radio ministry that I had to walk away from. I wrote inspirational & humorous columns for the newspaper on a regular basis. I walked away from being a DJ on radio, which I loved, and pursuing music as a profession which was my passion. I walked away from everything I loved to provide for my very heart, my children. So I came in swinging. Defensive. Hyper-Aggressive. While it wasn't always pretty, godly, or correct... it was successful in business. But I almost burned some bridges down in the process. It is always better to build allies than to make enemies & I hadn't learned that yet.
Three year into my new life, I have learned that in all aspects of life, sometimes the best bridges are the ones left un-burned. Relationships, both in business & personal, need great amounts of patience, tolerance and forgiveness. Sometimes when you think it is too late for a relationship to be salvaged, it somehow turns into exactly what you had hoped for. I have seen it in my friend's marriage. I have seen it in business.
So when that hard relationship seems to be teetering on the brink of total annihilation, I take a step back. I look over that bridge really hard. It may connect me to other things on the other side that I still need and want to have in my life. What's the use in burning it down? I can always just walk away and leave it un-burned. Who knows when it might end up leading to the other side of all this struggle and into a place of new peace? Why shut down the possibilities?
Sometimes the best bridges are those left un-burned.
Friday, May 22, 2009
I'm so proud of us!
I am so proud of my family. My son brought home his final report card: All A's. My daughter, who has been teetering on the brink of destruction all year, came home with hers as well: All B's. Can I just insert a hearty YIPPEEEEEEE right here? It was such a group effort for me to be as successful at work as I have been, which enabled us to buy our house. Life is only looking up.
I was talking to a dear friend today over lunch and I realized I have been going through a "Woe is Me" period. When I moved back into the middle of no-where a year ago, I did it for everyone else but me. I did it because my kids needed to be closer to their Dad. I did it because my parents needed me. I think last summer may have been a rock bottom for me. I didn't know anyone. The kids were gone to their Dad's for the summer. While this all sounds very self-less, which is not my first nature, I began to grow resentment. Even though I chose this course, I resented parts of it. I knew if my kids were going to stay in close proximity to their Dad, I had to move back closer to where he lived. So... he became the perfect person to blame for all the woes of the world. So I moaned and wailed and whined about how un-fair life is. And all the time my pretty little life began to blossom anyway.
While I was walking through the valley of Woe is Me, my work prospered to the point that I had enough savings to make a down payment on a house. Even in this market. My children found great friends. I remembered why I loved this place so much when I was growing up. I made friends. I connected with my faith again in a new and fresh way. I began to love music again. I began to feel again. I began to write again. Music and writing have been dead in me for almost 3 years. And now it is all being re-born to a better place. A new place. A prosperous place.
I know this last year has not been an attractive time to be my friend. I'm sure that is why I have repeled men as well! It has just been messy. Ugly. Frustrating. It has taken patience and tolerance. I have felt, and said, for the last 2 years that I see the tide turning in my life. I think it is time to ride that wave. The first half of my life was filled with struggle and I paid into it. I invested heavily in being the person I felt I should be despite my struggles. I believe that now I am seeing the fruit. I was reminded the other day that whatever you sow you will reap. You won't necessarily reap it right away though and it won't be in the same proportion that you sowed. If you plant a kernal of corn you will wait quite a while before it is ready to harvest. And when you harvest it you will reap a whole stalk with multiple ears that have multiple kernals. What you sow multiplies. So what you sow you will reap later and you will reap in abundance.
So I am proud of what we have accomplished together. My kids are my partners in crime and I am so proud of all of us.
Wait... doesn't the Bible say something about pride comes before the fall?? Uh oh.
:)))))
I was talking to a dear friend today over lunch and I realized I have been going through a "Woe is Me" period. When I moved back into the middle of no-where a year ago, I did it for everyone else but me. I did it because my kids needed to be closer to their Dad. I did it because my parents needed me. I think last summer may have been a rock bottom for me. I didn't know anyone. The kids were gone to their Dad's for the summer. While this all sounds very self-less, which is not my first nature, I began to grow resentment. Even though I chose this course, I resented parts of it. I knew if my kids were going to stay in close proximity to their Dad, I had to move back closer to where he lived. So... he became the perfect person to blame for all the woes of the world. So I moaned and wailed and whined about how un-fair life is. And all the time my pretty little life began to blossom anyway.
While I was walking through the valley of Woe is Me, my work prospered to the point that I had enough savings to make a down payment on a house. Even in this market. My children found great friends. I remembered why I loved this place so much when I was growing up. I made friends. I connected with my faith again in a new and fresh way. I began to love music again. I began to feel again. I began to write again. Music and writing have been dead in me for almost 3 years. And now it is all being re-born to a better place. A new place. A prosperous place.
I know this last year has not been an attractive time to be my friend. I'm sure that is why I have repeled men as well! It has just been messy. Ugly. Frustrating. It has taken patience and tolerance. I have felt, and said, for the last 2 years that I see the tide turning in my life. I think it is time to ride that wave. The first half of my life was filled with struggle and I paid into it. I invested heavily in being the person I felt I should be despite my struggles. I believe that now I am seeing the fruit. I was reminded the other day that whatever you sow you will reap. You won't necessarily reap it right away though and it won't be in the same proportion that you sowed. If you plant a kernal of corn you will wait quite a while before it is ready to harvest. And when you harvest it you will reap a whole stalk with multiple ears that have multiple kernals. What you sow multiplies. So what you sow you will reap later and you will reap in abundance.
So I am proud of what we have accomplished together. My kids are my partners in crime and I am so proud of all of us.
Wait... doesn't the Bible say something about pride comes before the fall?? Uh oh.
:)))))
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Overwhelming Overwhelmed-ness
Have you ever had waves flush over you of just overwhelming... overwhelmed-ness? I look around this house of mine. Dirty clothes everywhere. A kitchen that frightens me. Children who make a mess at every turn. Things thrown around from baseball, the end of school, guitar class, etc. And then I realize how under prepared I am to move.
I close on my house this Thursday. OMG. That is the day after tomorrow. I am so happy. And so scared. And so overwhelmed. And so excited. We will be swimming in our very own pool by a week from Friday. What a blessed woman I am.
My Dad goes in for a consultation with the surgeon who will operate on his carotid artery the same day I close on my house. His surgery will most likely be during the two weeks I will be moving. I am steeling myself for that as well. He has a terrible reaction to the anesthesia in which he becomes combative and has been restrained in his bed for three days at a time. Mom & I have to rotate shifts caring for him because it is so challenging. He is soooo worth it though. I have been incredibly blessed with amazing parents.
I need to keep telling myself that I am strong enough to do all of this. I am, right? Right? Let's hope so.
But here I sit, procrastinating. Feeling nervous. Feeling scared. Blogging to you when I should be packing boxes. I think I can, I think I can. Now if I can overcome this overwhelmed-ness I will survive and live and see my father live to be 100 and swim in my pool until then.
Fingers crossed.
I close on my house this Thursday. OMG. That is the day after tomorrow. I am so happy. And so scared. And so overwhelmed. And so excited. We will be swimming in our very own pool by a week from Friday. What a blessed woman I am.
My Dad goes in for a consultation with the surgeon who will operate on his carotid artery the same day I close on my house. His surgery will most likely be during the two weeks I will be moving. I am steeling myself for that as well. He has a terrible reaction to the anesthesia in which he becomes combative and has been restrained in his bed for three days at a time. Mom & I have to rotate shifts caring for him because it is so challenging. He is soooo worth it though. I have been incredibly blessed with amazing parents.
I need to keep telling myself that I am strong enough to do all of this. I am, right? Right? Let's hope so.
But here I sit, procrastinating. Feeling nervous. Feeling scared. Blogging to you when I should be packing boxes. I think I can, I think I can. Now if I can overcome this overwhelmed-ness I will survive and live and see my father live to be 100 and swim in my pool until then.
Fingers crossed.
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Importance of Setting Goals
I was thinking, as I was sitting on the sunny, beautiful Jacksonville Beach this weekend, that I need to remember my goals. Sometimes one little piece of the puzzle can make you lose sight of your bigger goals in life.
When I began to recall my short term goals... and then my long term goals, I remembered that I am pretty much on track. So let's define short term goals as 1 - 3 years. I set my short term goals about two months after my divorce which was about 2 years and 8 months ago. My goals were to 1) Advance at work so I can provide a good childhood for my children 2) Buy a nice home for them to grow up in 3) Make sure I arrange life so I can spend as much time with them as possible 4) Have a long-term boyfriend/or husband (preferrably).
Hahaha. It was funny looking back at my goals. My kids are central for sure. So, to items 1, 2, and 3 I can say check, check AND check. Not too shabby. #4 is a big bust though. Three out of four ain't bad.
So I have been bugging, right? Men truly leave me at a loss. But this weekend I realized that I am not anyone's plaything. I am a strong, pretty, smart woman who can live with or without a man. I can go toe to toe with any man in business but when it comes to matters of the heart I have been an absolute wimpy girl. Whimpering, whiney, baby girl. That's me.
But the heart ain't having that business mixed with it. I trust my judgment in business almost across the board. In matters of the heart I second guess myself at every turn. I realized that I trust what I know. I trust who I am, who I have become. I made massive mistakes in the past but for all the right reasons. I believed in God's love and mercy. I still do. I believed people can change. I still do. I believed that God is a just God. I still do. However, mistakes are mistakes and we must learn from them. Move on past them.
Now I have life experience to mix with this potent equation of faith. I am sure I may stumble another time or two, but I know God will shore me up and make my path true and straight.
So this is me... stepping on. His plans are higher than mine. I am soooo thankful He has honored what plans I have made and I can't wait to see what He might have planned for me from here.
When I began to recall my short term goals... and then my long term goals, I remembered that I am pretty much on track. So let's define short term goals as 1 - 3 years. I set my short term goals about two months after my divorce which was about 2 years and 8 months ago. My goals were to 1) Advance at work so I can provide a good childhood for my children 2) Buy a nice home for them to grow up in 3) Make sure I arrange life so I can spend as much time with them as possible 4) Have a long-term boyfriend/or husband (preferrably).
Hahaha. It was funny looking back at my goals. My kids are central for sure. So, to items 1, 2, and 3 I can say check, check AND check. Not too shabby. #4 is a big bust though. Three out of four ain't bad.
So I have been bugging, right? Men truly leave me at a loss. But this weekend I realized that I am not anyone's plaything. I am a strong, pretty, smart woman who can live with or without a man. I can go toe to toe with any man in business but when it comes to matters of the heart I have been an absolute wimpy girl. Whimpering, whiney, baby girl. That's me.
But the heart ain't having that business mixed with it. I trust my judgment in business almost across the board. In matters of the heart I second guess myself at every turn. I realized that I trust what I know. I trust who I am, who I have become. I made massive mistakes in the past but for all the right reasons. I believed in God's love and mercy. I still do. I believed people can change. I still do. I believed that God is a just God. I still do. However, mistakes are mistakes and we must learn from them. Move on past them.
Now I have life experience to mix with this potent equation of faith. I am sure I may stumble another time or two, but I know God will shore me up and make my path true and straight.
So this is me... stepping on. His plans are higher than mine. I am soooo thankful He has honored what plans I have made and I can't wait to see what He might have planned for me from here.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Learning to respect myself
I am a human prone to mistakes. From enormous blunders to plain silly stuff, I can screw things up with the best of them. Relationships are no exception. They may actually be my Aquilles Heel.
I have had such a difficult transition into dating. The world changed so much during the 14 years I was married, as had I. Over the past 3 years of being single again, I have realized that I believe others too easily. I trust too quickly. My heart deceives me when it wants what it wants. So now my options are what? To be less trusting, jaded, and guarded. And this is where every other single person in the world seems to live, also. What kind of a match will that produce, though?
One thing I must learn, and am trying to do better with, is not hanging around, pining like a whiney baby girl, when someone has already left me emotionally. It is the worst to be the girl sitting by the unringing phone. It is almost as if guys expect girls to chase them in today's dating environment. In my world it should be mutual. No games. Just equal give and take. But the cycle I have seen over and over again with men is that they adore me for about a minute. Say they can't stop thinking of me. Make inuendo's about a future together. Say I am "the whole package". And then they disappear. They seem so surprised when I have a problem with the difference in what they say and what they do.
A friend of mine said I am not needy enough. She thinks men are too insecure to be with a woman as self sufficient as me. While I love her for having such confidence in me, I do give them a little more credit than that. (and if you look closely, I really am not that impressive!) I think the right one will admire that I am an independent woman making the most of my life & will hopefully treasure the fact that I want to be with him instead of needing something from him. But I see her point.
A guy friend of mine said if I would just treat them like crap when I actually like them, they would keep trying to win me. If I start acting like I like them, it's a bad thing, he says. If I play with their emotions and am dishonest in the mean-time? That's just not OK with me. Not my style. It is not OK for them to do that to me either. Enter: Self Respect.
The worst part of it all, I think, is getting my hopes up only to be dashed again. I am learning to respect myself enough to not put up with it for very long, at least. I am learning to listen to what men do and not what they say. Actions always speak louder, don't they? Maya Angelou says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." I have always loved that saying. But it confuses me too. When someone shows you their kind and loving side, followed by a guarded and possibly even a little mean side, how do you sort it all out? In truth all of us are multi-faceted.
So... single I may stay. Unless I can find the man in the world who will respect me and be honest with me, and not play these head games, that is. I may be asking for too much but I would rather remain alone than to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling. I am still hopeful that one day I will find this man. Hope deferred does make the heart sick sometimes, but I believe with all my heart it will be worth the wait.
I have had such a difficult transition into dating. The world changed so much during the 14 years I was married, as had I. Over the past 3 years of being single again, I have realized that I believe others too easily. I trust too quickly. My heart deceives me when it wants what it wants. So now my options are what? To be less trusting, jaded, and guarded. And this is where every other single person in the world seems to live, also. What kind of a match will that produce, though?
One thing I must learn, and am trying to do better with, is not hanging around, pining like a whiney baby girl, when someone has already left me emotionally. It is the worst to be the girl sitting by the unringing phone. It is almost as if guys expect girls to chase them in today's dating environment. In my world it should be mutual. No games. Just equal give and take. But the cycle I have seen over and over again with men is that they adore me for about a minute. Say they can't stop thinking of me. Make inuendo's about a future together. Say I am "the whole package". And then they disappear. They seem so surprised when I have a problem with the difference in what they say and what they do.
A friend of mine said I am not needy enough. She thinks men are too insecure to be with a woman as self sufficient as me. While I love her for having such confidence in me, I do give them a little more credit than that. (and if you look closely, I really am not that impressive!) I think the right one will admire that I am an independent woman making the most of my life & will hopefully treasure the fact that I want to be with him instead of needing something from him. But I see her point.
A guy friend of mine said if I would just treat them like crap when I actually like them, they would keep trying to win me. If I start acting like I like them, it's a bad thing, he says. If I play with their emotions and am dishonest in the mean-time? That's just not OK with me. Not my style. It is not OK for them to do that to me either. Enter: Self Respect.
The worst part of it all, I think, is getting my hopes up only to be dashed again. I am learning to respect myself enough to not put up with it for very long, at least. I am learning to listen to what men do and not what they say. Actions always speak louder, don't they? Maya Angelou says "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." I have always loved that saying. But it confuses me too. When someone shows you their kind and loving side, followed by a guarded and possibly even a little mean side, how do you sort it all out? In truth all of us are multi-faceted.
So... single I may stay. Unless I can find the man in the world who will respect me and be honest with me, and not play these head games, that is. I may be asking for too much but I would rather remain alone than to be in a relationship that is not fulfilling. I am still hopeful that one day I will find this man. Hope deferred does make the heart sick sometimes, but I believe with all my heart it will be worth the wait.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
How I want to be treated for Mothers Day.
Happy Mother's Day! My kids are so great. I am blessed to be their Mom. Happy Mother's Day to me!
Living life as a single parent makes Mother's Day different. I remember when I was a kid, conspiring with my Dad and brother to make Mother's Day fun and special for Mom. Of course, I realize now, that Dad had a major role in reminding us that it even WAS Mother's Day (I'm already tired of typing it out so let's initial it MD). But every MD my brother & I would get up early and cook Mom breakfast in bed. I am sure that she would lay there cringing at the bangs, crashes and kabooms that would echo from the kitchen. When ever we arrived bedside to deliver our ever so charred surprise she always beamed, anyway. Mom's are awesome.
I know that because mine was awesome. She gave me something to which I aspire. I want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood like I did. Granted, our life is complicated in different ways than my parent's life was. Everyone has their own "special" complications though.
So here I am on MD again, making the best of it. My first "single mom" MD I took the kids to a fun hotel with slides and rock formations and just enjoyed watching them play and laugh all day. Happy MD to me! It was perfect. Last year we spent it with my parents and that was great, too. This year I got up early and went and bought myself a bouquet of MD flowers. I love fresh flowers. It would be great if I had a special guy in my life to conspire to surprise me today. It would be fun to have my kids bring me breakfast in bed. Who is going to teach them that, though? I can't very well teach them to conspire to surprise myself, now, can I? I know they would have a blast doing it though. They love that kind of thing just like I do.
So, until God sends me the man who will treat me the way I want to be treated, I will just treat myself well and wait. I might even buy myself a card and some candy. Life is too short to settle. I know my kids love me. They are so affectionate and sweet. Their hugs and kisses and awesome snuggles make every day MD for me. So no whining today. Just a thankful heart that has hope for a day when things will be just this good and maybe even better.
Living life as a single parent makes Mother's Day different. I remember when I was a kid, conspiring with my Dad and brother to make Mother's Day fun and special for Mom. Of course, I realize now, that Dad had a major role in reminding us that it even WAS Mother's Day (I'm already tired of typing it out so let's initial it MD). But every MD my brother & I would get up early and cook Mom breakfast in bed. I am sure that she would lay there cringing at the bangs, crashes and kabooms that would echo from the kitchen. When ever we arrived bedside to deliver our ever so charred surprise she always beamed, anyway. Mom's are awesome.
I know that because mine was awesome. She gave me something to which I aspire. I want my kids to have fond memories of their childhood like I did. Granted, our life is complicated in different ways than my parent's life was. Everyone has their own "special" complications though.
So here I am on MD again, making the best of it. My first "single mom" MD I took the kids to a fun hotel with slides and rock formations and just enjoyed watching them play and laugh all day. Happy MD to me! It was perfect. Last year we spent it with my parents and that was great, too. This year I got up early and went and bought myself a bouquet of MD flowers. I love fresh flowers. It would be great if I had a special guy in my life to conspire to surprise me today. It would be fun to have my kids bring me breakfast in bed. Who is going to teach them that, though? I can't very well teach them to conspire to surprise myself, now, can I? I know they would have a blast doing it though. They love that kind of thing just like I do.
So, until God sends me the man who will treat me the way I want to be treated, I will just treat myself well and wait. I might even buy myself a card and some candy. Life is too short to settle. I know my kids love me. They are so affectionate and sweet. Their hugs and kisses and awesome snuggles make every day MD for me. So no whining today. Just a thankful heart that has hope for a day when things will be just this good and maybe even better.
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