You see… I have called myself an affirmation whore for a very long time. I thrive on applause. I will work hard to get a “good job” from my bosses. I love & become a working girl for doing things right. My morals get on my own dang nerves sometimes! I love to make people laugh. I despise myself when I make them cry or when I piss them off. I like it when other people see and appreciate how hard I try, whether I succeed or not. Is that messed up? Why yes, Sherlock, that is!!! But it is a part of who I am, like it or not.
So… what does an affirmation whore do when there are no tricks to be had? When my kids are mad at me because I work too much? When work is mad at me because I don’t produce enough? When my church is mad at me because I don’t go to Sunday school? When I don’t have time to spend with my date? When I neglect my friends because… well… all the above!!! What the crap does an affirmation whore do???
At that point, most pimps push drugs on their subjects to make life more bearable. Wow… look at that drink in my hand. Am I pimping myself out to this life? That would be a revelation I did NOT need!
Getting less funny now.
Or pimps beat the crap out of their whores to get them back in line so they will get back to work. Yes, I was in casework for 7 years. I know. Do I beat myself up? Often. Is that OK… um… NO!
This analogy is funny until it gets real.
So where is an affirmation whore to go? There is no way I could ever think myself out of this funk. This is beyond me, ok? When I get to the end of me… I must look up. At that point, affirmation be damned. I just need to do & know what is right. Then I can walk on. WALK ON! No tricks necessary. Once my knower is sure… I will wait for the “well done” that is coming. Call it delayed gratification. I can handle that.
Do I know that there is some amazing higher being to catch me when I royally screw things up? Yeppers. I know this. Do I believe His name is Jesus Christ? Why yes, Sherlock, I do! Do I realize that a lot of this life is spent in speculation about what is in the after life? Yessir. Always has been. Check some Egyptian & Mayan ruins. We all know this deep inside but can’t quite figure the dang thing and ALWAYS screw it up. Something is up with that and it needs more investigation. Just like science is a sport of speculation… I believe God is worth investigating. So I am gonna keep digging.
Can an affirmation whore find God in this messed up world? Yep. Been there. Done that. I just need to see a glimpse again for a sec & I will be all good.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
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