Tender Moments

Clearly, this has been a moment in time when I would not willingly choose to walk in this space. It amazes me how I can be so tough and so extraordinarily tender at the same time. I can be so deep and serious and yet so silly and frivolous. Responsible yet irresponsible. I laugh when I should be serious. I am impatient when I should hold my peace. I can crack a joke at just about anything. I can piss almost anyone off given enough time. I am me, through and through, like it or not.

Why then am I blessed despite my faults? No rhyme or reason to the dang thing, honestly. This is grace, my friends. Grace supreme. That’s about it. Nothing I can claim as my own.

When I almost got fired for my smart ass impatience and deep seated frustration with every boss I have… it made me take stock. Perhaps I should settle the heck down. Yes? Yes! I somehow decided that all on my own (after I got a good chewing out). I came home and held my kids tight & thought about what life would be like if I lost my job. I take credit for my wrong doing… but my work place is insane right now. Many have lost their jobs or quit far before me. Dropping like flies they are. That just can’t be me. I would like to feed my kiddos, preferably.

So I talked to my kids and told them we needed to start living as if Mommy doesn’t have a job. Eating at home every night. I cannot pay them for their A’s on their report card anymore (but please still make them). We even devised a plan for Christmas that is money free. We are going to make coupon books for each other with things like “one free foot rub” and “one long candle-lit bubble bath compliments of Mom” written in them. (I tend to horde my hot tub, you see, so this will be a big treat for them!) Then we can choose when & where we will redeem the coupons. They were so excited about that plan. I am too.

My friend Sam said it best: my children are incredibly kind and loving. Either that is another total point of grace or I may be doing something right. I want so badly to be excellent in every area of life but just am not. I am ok in most areas... sometimes. I am the kind of person who would rather not do a thing… than to do it poorly. I choose to place parenting first. This means very little of my life is my own. This makes me feel very alone & isolated at times. This means that when my emotions have reached their limits I lose it at work instead of at home. If being a good parent means I must transfer into a position at work that has less stress & also pays less, then that is what I will do. I really enjoy my position… when my bosses don’t ride me like a friggin mule that is… so it sucks that I must give it up. It sucks that I must live in a place with few dating options so I can keep the kids close to their Dad & I can be close to my aging parents. It sucks that he is re-married and I still trudge on alone. Nothing is fair about life… but it still has its moments.

Yesterday, I worked all day, got supplies for my daughter’s project that was due the next day (and that I only found out about that morning - grrr), cooked them dinner, went to church to practice the song I will sing Sunday, first with the band & then again with the choir. I left the kids working on Morgan’s project together while I ran up to the church for practice. I finally got home around 8pm and they were so proud & excited to show me Morgan’s diorama. They did a great job. I do not know many siblings who get along like they do. Her 10 year old brother spent the entire time helping her. I got my jim jams on, poured my evening toddy, and was ready to flop in the bed when I found my sweet note on the pillow. There was a picture drawn on the front with me cooking their dinner while they worked on the project at the table. It declared itself to be a “Note of Appreciation” at the top. After I wrestled the sparkly twist tie off, it opened up to say “We really appreciate you and how much you have worked lately and we just want you to know that we care!” With a, “P.S. We love you” inside a heart with an arrow through it, my heart was full. It overflowed through my eyes and I knew I was loved. How many 10 & 13 year olds just think to do something like that on their own? I cannot feel sorry for myself when I look into their characters. I am blessed.

Somehow I was still depressed all day today. Depressed but loved. Depressed but thankful. Sad but blessed. I have learned to recognize spiraling when it begins. I know it is important to pay attention to why I feel the way I do but at the same time not to spiral down into an unreasonably sad place. That has been my basic goal today. Besides work, that is. And thus... I blog.

Right now life is a tender place both in good ways & bad. I will take them both because I am not sure I could fully appreciate one without the other. And… either way they will both still be a part of life… so I might as well make the best of it!