Talking to no one and everyone at the same time

When I don’t know who to talk to, I blog. That way I can talk to everyone and no one at the same time. I want life to be simple again but I am afraid there is no going back. When I think about it, I am not sure it ever was. I think I was just more ignorant of the complications.

Work is increasingly complicated being in the business world with the economy the way it is. Stress galore. Huge projects in my lap. Earnings off by almost $200k in the first quarter in my department alone, so far. Ugh. It’s gonna be a long year.

Raising kids in these days and times is no simple matter either.

Relations with my ex are super stressful as his remarriage approaches in less than a month. No matter how I feel about any of it I am powerless to change it. I should be happy that he is marrying someone his family and the kids like so much. I do think she is a stabilizing effect on him & I am grateful for that. I just can’t get past the whole 13 year age difference thing and that they both are going into their 3rd marriages. Besides a couple of deeper concerns I have for the over-all situation. She is 32 and going on her 3rd marriage. I mean… how many divorces will my children have to endure? And people say things to me like “Oh I have heard the 3rd one is the charm!” Well, statistics say they have a 20% chance of making it. So how do I prep my kids? All I know to do is give them the facts, tell them that nothing will change their Dad’s love for them & hope for the best. On a personal level, are the deep wonderings of “Why?” Why could he never love me like that? Why was I never important enough for him to straighten up for? He admittedly says he learned from his mistakes with me… but that sucks. I had to endure the crap so she gets a great husband? Someone shoot me now! And then there is the underlying question: What’s wrong with ME? Why am I still alone? I was not the one who lied, cheated & stole. But yet he is rewarded for his actions by this? And I am potentially doomed to be alone forever? Where is the justice of God in this world? I so rarely see it. There just are no answers for these questions. But there is the daily reality of trying to be a big person about it all and trying to keep things healthy for my kids. I will be alone while the kids go off with them to be in the mountain top wedding by a bubbling waterfall. Precious. They will be gone for 6 whole days. I know I will feel utterly alone. And then when they return, after my days in exile, I will have to smile and pretend to be interested as they bubble over at the fun of it all. I will hide my tears and mourning and listen quietly and pretend to be happy for them. This pity party is a bottomless pit as you can see.

There is a bright spot to my story though. I am building a house. It will be in the same spot my Great Grandmother’s house was located. There are two Camellia bushes in the yard that are probably 8 feet tall and about 80 years old. I have always loved Camellias. My Great Grandmother planted them herself. Very cool. And the two room house my Dad was born in during the 1920’s is about 100 feet away. There is nothing more comforting than to be surrounded by heritage during times like this. Building a house is no stress free walk in the park but at least it is positive.

So that is my public pity party. Just pray for me if you think of me. I am trying to be strong but I get tired of it.

A little bloggy blog

I feel like being sentimental today but am not sure I have the chops for it. But I can laugh at how ridiculously pitiful my life has been over the past few weeks. What else can you do sometimes?

It always happens that way in my life. When it rains it becomes a monsoon that blows the little pig's house down that leaves the piggy squealing "Are you the big bad wolf, Oh God??? Do You want to consume me??" Well, the answer would be "yes" ultimately, God does want to consume me, as un-palletable as I am. He is so persistent that way. It can be quite annoying. I don't think He really had anything to do with most of the story to follow... it's just the way life is sometimes. But He will use it. No doubt.

So, I moaned and wailed about having the flu, right? Well, once I came out of my four day stupor of being bed ridden with that, I actually realized I had let my children slip into a very unsympathetic, spoiled & selfish existence in our home. I just do way too much for them. All throughout my illness they were pretty demanding of me and unhelpful as I was needing some support. They are 12 & almost 10. Well able to help out around the house. So the week after I got better, I went on boycott. They did all the laundry, dishes & chores for a whole week as a lesson about helping out when Mom is feeling bad... or just in general. We have now re-adjusted to doing the chores as a group effort, so ultimately I think this was good for my kids. Spoiled kids are no good.

So then I started coughing. Hacked & hacked. But I started back running again. The day I made it back up to 3 miles without stopping, I broke a rib. It was hurting that day but three days later I was in serious pain. A chest x-ray showed that the cartilage had broken away from the bone on one of the ribs in the center section of the chest. Blood was pooling up around it & causing pain & inflamation. It was caused by all the coughing. Can you believe that? Ugh. So the Doc gave me great meds that helped with the pain alot. It's gonna take 6 weeks to heal though. Bummer, huh?

I went on a business trip to Orlando anyway, all doped up. The morning of my business meeting I decided to go run. I ordered room service for 9am, took my meds & then ran at 8am. 3 miles on Hydrocodone was a breeze! Didn't feel a thing! However, by 9:30 am I was paying homage to the porcelain god who wanted to reclaim my breakfast. I continued my trail of vomit throughout the trip. Just before my meeting, sitting in the lobby waiting, I had to make a mad dash for the ladies room to pay homage once again. I made it through the meeting but gave the porcelain god accolades once again afterwards in the same ladies room. One more salute on the side of the Turn Pike at a toll booth and my trail of vomit was coming to a close. It was all very sexy. I finally got to my destination & felt good enough to go out and have fun with some friends last night, so that was a nice ending to an awful day.

I have made it through all of that to say this: "Eat before you take pain medicine" and "Life goes on!"

That's about as much sentiment as I can muster right now. I am sure you feel my sentiments in the story though! :))

Hope you all have a good weekend!

What I hate about...

I could name quite a few things I hate about being divorced. Having all the responsibility of parenthood to myself. Being lonely for adult companionship. I don't fit into the married world around me AT ALL. All of that sucks.

I think the thing I hate the most, though, is dating. I hate the nervousness. I hate the way it never seems to match up. It is either... I like them & they don't like me that much... or they like me & I don't like them. Grrr. What a royal pain. Not to mention the psychos & weirdos out there these days.

OH! And the "no sex" part of being single. Geesh. That's a bummer.

I don't regret the divorce. My sanity was a small price to pay for living with these proverbial thorns in my flesh. There was nothing easy about my life before divorce & there is nothing easy about it now. It is much better in some ways. More peaceful. More prosperous. Less drama. Less emotional distress. I need to make a T-shirt about life, though. It would read: NOTHING EASY ABOUT IT!

However, it is so hard not to hate men. I have always tried to be reasonable & not generalize any class of people. But the more I date, as a world wise adult female, the more I just think men in general are morons. Or at least the ones I have been out with. I may never re-marry. I can't tolerate even the slightest about of bull, anymore, or I am walking out the door. It's all just too much work. It exhausts me more than anything else in my life. Work exhausts me. My schedule exhausts me. But... there is something special about the exhaustion obtained in allowing myself to "hope" that something good is starting only to once again be disappointed. It is so, so draining.

Amid all of my angst, I do not know how to balance my desire to NOT be alone anymore with the reality that I may always be alone in this lifetime. I know God is with me. But according to my Bible He ain't putting on skin again. And there is nothing quite like the human touch. The feel of skin on skin. The warmth of a bear hug. The brush of a cheek from someone who makes your heart flutter. The love that can be sensed through holding someone's hand or even touching their arm.

It's magical and deceptive all at the same time. It's practical and sometimes so elusive. But this is where I am forced to walk. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere in relation to love. It is not mine to hold, yet. My chance may have passed. I've decided that I need to live my life as if I will never re-marry and then be pleasantly surprised if I actually do meet someone. But all it takes is one flirt & I am hoping away for something more in a sad & desperate kind of futility.

So I slap myself around for being idealistic once again & try to snap back to reality. There is laundry to do. Dishes to wash. Kids to raise. Work to do. Who has time for dating anyway... but wait... was he firting with me????

So the cycle goes.

Friends

I have realized in the last 3 years how blessed I am to have good and true friends. I am not one to struggle with deep issues much. I have learned to just watch & listen and the truth will come out. It is important not to jump to conclusions or judge things prematurely. I have decided to give people the benefit of the doubt and then be kind to them anyway, if it ends up they didn't deserve it.

I have two best friends. What a lucky girl I am. Not many people can boast even one. A week ago one of those friends was in a very sad state of mind & I didn't even think twice about running to be with her, even though it was an hour away & dark o'clock. That is what friends do. Later that night my other best friend did the same thing when she found out she was needed. We all pow-wow-ed together. Three little monkey's on the bed, until we all fell asleep. When we woke up the next morning, life was still pretty sucky. We did not solve world hunger that night. We didn't fix the problems in our own lives. But we had loved. We were better for having loved each other that night.

My Christianity has become it's own entity in this world. The more life experience I gain, the less theology I can spit out at people in pain. I know the theology, but more importantly I know the God the theology is about. The one thing I know about Christ and how He applies to this life is the unconditional love He gives. He was there that night in all of our messed up-ness. I'm sure he grimaced at times, winced at some points, and cried with us. And He loved. Of this I am certain. He loved.

My life has been extraordinary. I have loved passionately, hurt incredibly, lived freely, given totally, cried endlessly and laughed myself into cheek cramps. I do not regret any of it. God will weave this tapestry as He pleases from here but as for me... I will live. I will love. I will know God better for doing so.

The Oddity of Life and Love, Part II

We got a Wii for Christmas. It was a fantastic moment, as the kids had already given up hope for a Wii in lieu of saving their money for a mission trip. I gave them a bunch of little ratty gifts and was kinda like, "Ok, done!" And then Morgan spied the end of one present that had come un-taped. She saw a Wii on the box & started squealing "You didn't!" "You did???" "You DID!!!" It was awesome. So much excitement! It almost made me cry.

However, there are these cute little characters called "Mii's" that you create as the cartoon version of yourself. As you play the game your Mii is acting out the motions in whatever game you are playing. My precious children, in their enthusiastic zeal for the Wii and their sweet, loving innocence… decided to create a Mii for every person in their family. They spent almost an hour one day constructing cartoon characters of parents, grandparents, friends and cousins. So the other day I was playing baseball with my son and who should I be pitching to? My ex-husband. I played doubles in tennis against his fiancé, as well. Oh the irony.

No matter where I go or what I do I cannot escape my past. It kinda bites that I paid so much money for something that forces me to face my mistakes on a daily basis and even play volley ball with them! But it is a good thing, I was thinking, that the kids feel comfortable enough in our relationship to not even consider it odd that I should be on a bowling team that includes their soon to be step sister and my ex-husband (also known as their Dad in some circles). Some parents infuse their children with negative information about the other parent, effectively poisoning their own relationships. I have to guard against that & actively choose to keep my mouth closed in certain instances.

I wish life was that easy, actually. Play tennis, shake hands, go home. We do not and may not ever get along well enough to live in such Wii harmony, but we have both done a good job sheltering and protecting our children. We don't put them in the middle. We try very hard not to drag them into any argument we may be having, which seems to be a lot lately. I think it shows in what I would call their "un-taintedness". This split life is not easy for the kids but for the most part they seem well adjusted, warm & kind. I cannot say that about many children whose families are in tact. Once again, my whole life is a testament to the graciousness of merciful God.

Perhaps God is even snickering from on high when I am forced, by the love of my children, to play basketball with my ex. As Holy as God is, I think He has a wicked sense of humor sometimes!

The Oddity of Life and Love

Here I am, in a plane on my way back from St. Croix, USVI via San Juan, Puerto Rico and I suddenly wax sentimental. Go figure. It was not the best of business trips. In fact at one point I had quite a bit of egg on my face. Maybe I needed to escape the humiliation and frustration I endured for several days. Perhaps it was the boredom of such a long flight or the incessant whining of the 2 year old down the row from me. I finally just looked out the window as sunset began and lost myself in the wonder of it all.

I was fascinated by the clouds for about 20 minutes. They are so much fun from this side. One section looked just like the frothiest, most delicious bubble bath you could imagine. It was endless and beautiful. I think Gabriel's bathtub must have over-flown. My only hints that it was not warm and lovely were the ice crystals forming on my window. Brrr.

Clouds. There is no way I could think of clouds without strangely enough thinking about my children's soon to be step mother. There must be a simpler way of describing who she is to me… but I haven't figured it out yet. My former husbands soon to be ex? Nah… too bitter. I will think of something more fitting for her. She deserves better than that.

However you describe her, it would be true to say that she is a weather buff extraordinaire. I knew she would be clicking away on her camera if she were here. Suddenly the bubble bath gave way to an absolute waterfall into cloudlessness and I started to think about love. How complicated it is. I feel positive about this new woman being in my children's lives. Why she would ever choose to marry my ex is a certain mystery I may never understand but she seems determined. I will accept that as loyalty. So here has begun this strange loop-de-loop of love. Not a circle exactly. I love my children. They love her. She loves my ex. He loves my children. I love his parents. His parents love me. And in the beautiful center of it… we all love those precious children. It is complicated, but it is love. It is broken in certain parts, bumpy in many parts and oh so rough around the edges but this love loop is genuine. It is real. It has God's love, forgiveness, grace, and mercy woven all through it on all our parts.

Right now there is the tiniest sliver of orange blending upwards into blue that is just peeking over the clouds. A sunset is appropriate at this moment with this contemplation in mind. I cannot be more thankful that the end of my marriage will result in another great human being becoming a part of my children's life. I have fears about the future. What it will hold. If this marriage will last. I may never feel better about everything that lead up to my divorce but I can see that God will not let any of it go to waste. He will redeem it, just like He did this world of ours. He will bring good from it. I can live with that.

Wii are for Missions!

This Baptist thing is working out. Wednesday night we had a program about missions. Baptists do RA's & GA's that are basically kid training on missions. People got up and gave their testamonies about going on mission trips. I thought the kids were bored silly, flopping all over me, rolling their eyes, wanting to go home. We finally came home and I reminded the kids I was going out of the country again on business next week. They started begging to go, which of course they can't because of school. But I told them I had been thinking about getting them active passports so that if we had the opportunity to go on a mission trip they would be ready. They both lit up & were all for it.

So, later Morgan goes to get her shower while me & Noah are at the computer. Our Pastor's son & daughter-in-law are missionaries in Bangladesh and we went to visit their blog spot. For Thanksgiving they collected beggars from the street of Bangladesh and provided a feast for them. Bathed them. Fed them. Provided blankets and necessities for them. Pictures were attached showing them carrying crippled men whose legs were either missing or limp. It was a graphic picture of selfless Christianity. The good kind of Christianity. Noah was very moved by it all as I read the story to him while he looked at the pictures. After a few moments of silence he said, "Mom, can I start saving my grade money toward a mission trip?" I said "Sure baby. We can start a fund for missions just like we have one for the Wii we want to buy." Noah thought for a minute and then with tears in his eyes he said, "Can we just turn our Wii fund into a missionary fund?" Chills ran up my spine & tears welled up in my eyes. I do not know many 9 year old boys who would think of that or be willing to give up a Wii to do missions. I said, "Well, your sister contributed some of the money so will have to ask her." He ran to go ask her and with an affirmative answer in his back pocket he proudly proclaimed, "OK then! We have a missions trip fund!" Little do they know, I had already bought that Wii for them for Christmas so we all will have a blessed Christmas. Mine is just about perfect knowing I have children with hearts like these. There could be no better gift. Especially with the spiritually complicated life and family we have woven for ourselves. God's grace is indeed upon us!

Ever since then Noah has been practically harrassing me to do chores to earn money so he can put it in the fund for missions. I think doing laundry may be a thing of the past for me... and it IS for a good cause... RIIIIIGHT??? So this Baptist thing is working out pretty well. The Spirit of our one and powerful God is at work and that is very exciting! Especially when I see it's effect on a broken and endlessly flawed human like me.